11. It's All Fun and Games til Somebody Gets Pregnant

I’m not sure I even waited the full 10 minutes for the little blue plus sign to completely appear before I’d gotten two doctor’s offices on the line asking about availability. By the fourth, I’d made an appointment.

I tried to feel relieved. It’s going to be taken care of. But I couldn’t. My stomach was still in knots and I still had this overwhelming feeling of foreboding. I was not at peace with my decision.

Not knocking any woman who’s made the decision to terminate a pregnancy -- it is a heart wrenching decision and one that I teetered on myself -- But for those of us who decided against it, I think there’s a defining moment when our minds click and change. Besides the countless hours spent lying awake counting up pros and cons and to bes and not to bes and imagining unimaginable scenarios ... I’ve heard stories of women getting up off the table and walking out.

I didn’t make it that far.

For me, it was a Saturday, the morning of my appointment to fix what I’d seen only as a problem. I’d been absolutely calculating about the whole thing. I’d checked prices and locations and booked a morning slot with a reputable doctor in the area. My girlfriend Ayana had come up from DC the night before to go with me. (Now I want her help, right?) It was so good to have her there, though. A single mother at the time, herself, she was nonjudgemental and practical. She’d been here before. I needed that kind of unconditional support.

Occasionally, I’d wake up to my dad’s voice. Crazy, I know. He’d passed away about a year before, right before I left home and moved out East. Anyway, sometimes I’d hear him say something to me. It had been the weirdest thing. Hadn’t heard him though, since I’d been at BD’s. But here, at my place, it was quiet and my mind was clear and I heard his voice like he was standing right there at the side of my bed. Just like old times, when he’d come in and wake me for school on his way out the door to work. He was calling my name. I opened my eyes a little surprised to look up and not see him. I sometimes forgot he wasn’t here any more.

He’d sounded so real.

And then I got this picture in my mind. I imagined my dad in Heaven playing with my yet-to-be-born child. He’s cradling him in his arms and singing to him and telling him what a wonderful daughter I was to him while he was on Earth and what a loving mama I will make for this tiny, little, baby.

I thought about all the people my decision was bound to disappoint.

I imagined God, in heaven, leading my grandmother by the hand into this big bright room full of babies. Baby boys and baby girls sitting on clouds, giggling and playing and gurgling, wide-eyed and innocent. He points to a beautiful little chubby baby out of the crowd and says, “That one’s going to Melyssa,” and she is delighted.

How could I send him back?

I sat up and shook Ayana’s leg to wake her. She was sleeping at the other end.

“Huh?”

“I don’t think I wanna go,” I said.

“Ok. You sure?” She asked drowsily.

“Yeah.”

I could not have been more unsure or less scared out of my mind.

She rolled over and I laid back down.

Now I just had to tell BD.

Originally posted on February 29, 2008