tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7549351003167794042024-03-05T22:07:41.959-08:00In Between Disappointments<br>This is a story blog about friendship, love, lust and betrayal.<br>
It was originally posted in 2008, on the now defunct Twelve24girl.com.<br>
It is available here in its entirety and with an updated 2012 ending (coming soon).<br>
It is therapy for me, but I hope it's entertainment and inspiration for you.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-12749238927248961302012-08-08T19:54:00.000-07:002012-08-08T19:54:10.366-07:0032. The End is Only the Beginning<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTXsSjFzZ6VZIpcLj1cpbD5ibbmxQ6NmLIK8zedOr6G714iOwsbk8iws7oG4VrqiUTF05FGjFNQrUpVI6aRsewWXFnd2PAmRpOEk9ArwhSuC-2KKFstn_tD8J7dTQbgp7StNciupDYjDNM/s1600/chapter31.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTXsSjFzZ6VZIpcLj1cpbD5ibbmxQ6NmLIK8zedOr6G714iOwsbk8iws7oG4VrqiUTF05FGjFNQrUpVI6aRsewWXFnd2PAmRpOEk9ArwhSuC-2KKFstn_tD8J7dTQbgp7StNciupDYjDNM/s400/chapter31.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">B</span><b style="font-size: 10pt;">D</b></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>had accused me of anything he
could think of in his certification to the court. We both had to write up
letters summarizing our cases and his was complete fiction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was
asking for sole custody of our son, saying that my parenting would be “detrimental” to our child. I was furious.
It was a feeling I still wish I could have felt about a year and a half
earlier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
think back on some of those events and it is all too surreal, like it was
somebody else going through all that. I can’t even imagine it being me. How
could it have been me? People who know me insist I wasn’t myself at the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It
was like you were somebody else,”
a friend told me. That sentiment was echoed by others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes
it makes me angry. There were so many times when I should have left. Times from
the very beginning. It was small stuff at first. My car keys, the food ... it
makes me wanna scream at myself thinking about that stuff. I relive scenarios
in my mind with renewed strength and they play out differently in my
imagination, usually culminating with me telling BD to kiss my ass as I head
for the door, never to return.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have
learned an eternity of lessons in a fairly short amount of time and I continue
to be taught by adversity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have
so many regrets ...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not
actually pressing charges<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><a href="http://blogs.sohh.com/confessions/2008/03/locked_in_wanting_out.html"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">when
that troop of cops was called to my doorstep</span></a>;<a href="http://blogs.sohh.com/confessions/2008/03/psyching_out_the_psych.html"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">glossing
over BD’s bad points with the psychologist</span></a>, fearful of sounding like a scorned woman; hiding
the truth about my stifling relationship from the people who cared about me;<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><a href="http://blogs.sohh.com/confessions/2008/02/beware_of_that_secret_allure_1.html"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">betraying
a friend -- two of them</span></a>;
putting the worth of a relationship before my own ... so much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our
trial was scheduled for a Monday and Tuesday. If it went over, we’d have to
continue that next month. We each had a witness list and a gallery of
supporters.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In
addition to character witnesses and family to testify to my latter complaints,
I had <strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Shay</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Mike</span></strong>, my sister and her fiancé who’d
seen<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><a href="http://blogs.sohh.com/confessions/2008/03/the_first_time_but_he_didnt_hi.html"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">my
bloody nose months before.</span></a><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>BD knew they were on my list to
testify. Our attorneys had to submit witness lists weeks before. But I do
believe their actually showing up that day was the turning point for BD. For
all his refuting my claims about his violent temper, sitting mild mannered in a
suit and tie, I had two people who could testify first hand to his out of
control anger spells. I know he didn't want the fam around for that testimony.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I
didn’t want to go forward with a grueling trial any more than he did. I just
wanted permission to move back home with my son.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the
end, he gave me that. The irony here is thick, though I missed it at the time.
The doctor’s report that he’d shamelessly gloated about for weeks didn’t even
matter. We sat, our lawyers separating us, at the long table designated for the
plaintiff and defendant, poised and seemingly ready to war. We stood and were
sworn in, and technically, the trial had begun, when his lawyer interrupted and
said we might be able to settle this whole thing if he could have a word with
my attorney.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD and
I were also then directed into a mediation room with our respective
representatives where we sat for about three hours mapping out a calendar for
the next three years of our lives, finally agreeing on how we would share our
son across state lines. This is something he’d sworn he would never allow to
happen. It’s the reason we’d been in court for almost a year. He’d rejected
five of my parenting plans at previous mediation sessions and two in court,
never once attempting to amend or work from them, as they each allowed for my
relocation. This is what had been our stalemate this entire time. And yet, on
the day our trial was set to begin, the judge didn’t grant me permission to
move. BD did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
agreed that BD would get the summers with the baby as well as the month of
November or December, depending upon the year, in addition to at least one
month at a time during other parts of the year. An extremely generous
arrangement, plus liberal visitation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His
concession was bittersweet. I went for it though, because while I did not fear
the judge would give my child over to his father, she did not have to allow me
to leave. At the end of the three years BD and I mapped out, when our son
reaches school age, we will inevitably be back in court to rearrange the
parenting plan around his schooling. That will no doubt be a battle in itself.
But one thing at a time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the
meantime, BD does his best to harass me. I swear, it never stops. LOL. But I’m
so over the sinking feeling I used to get in my stomach when I’d hear his
ringer across the room. He’s kicking himself about the parenting plan and
everyday tries to trump up some charge to get us back into court. First it was,
I never let him speak to his son. Bullshyt. I call him everyday on his planning
period at 11:45 so they can chat and again at 7:30 p.m. before bedtime so he
can say goodnight. When I advised BD that I’d been recording all these phone
calls (another lesson I’ve learned) he quickly changed his strategy. Now he’s
working on my lack of cooperation when he wants to come and visit. Also untrue,
but we’ll see. Really though, the biggest hurdle is over. I’ve moved legally
and I can’t be made to move back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I sent
a Christmas greeting to<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Serita</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>last year, but other than that,
I haven’t made contact. Perhaps it’s hard for me to accept her forgiveness so
easily because I know I wouldn’t be nearly as understanding in her position.
Maybe I’m still forgiving myself.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br />
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Haven’t spoken with<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Digital</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>in quite some time, either. He
used to text me occasionally and ask how I was doing. It’s been months though.
I hear the wedding was fabulous. Perhaps I’ll send a card.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="byline"><span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Originally posted on</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span class="byline"><span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;">March
31, 2008 </span></span></span></i></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-41132485557173417422012-08-08T19:49:00.000-07:002012-08-08T19:49:07.053-07:0031. 360 Degrees; Who Says You Can't Go Home Again?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJgAcptnLOqCqiWcnGUgtGM1VBOBhiLA8uxWC-n0_QJL4-hZVHw-7E6dWnVM1o_K6H2THsWW0qVdADNjLBLMBSnv_d5NI1bro58FPh_Gd6zbUFmGkWChLXMIYz_0X20oW7ItWdbpFtlzKA/s1600/chapter+30.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJgAcptnLOqCqiWcnGUgtGM1VBOBhiLA8uxWC-n0_QJL4-hZVHw-7E6dWnVM1o_K6H2THsWW0qVdADNjLBLMBSnv_d5NI1bro58FPh_Gd6zbUFmGkWChLXMIYz_0X20oW7ItWdbpFtlzKA/s400/chapter+30.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>I</b></span>n the
midst of waiting on our court date, agonizing over the psychologist's report,
and still having to deal with BD's antics -- He'd began following me every week
when we exchanged our baby at the train station, trailing me to my car or my
train depending upon how I was traveling that day. It didn't stop until I
involved a police officer and produced our court order. The cop threatened to haul
him in for domestic violence. Yes, domestic violence as he was intimidating me
and disobeying the court order by sticking around past our exchange. BD said he
wanted to make sure his son was "safe." He just wanted to see who I
was riding with, if I was riding with anybody. -- It seems I'd come full
circle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Everything
I’d wanted to get away from, I was now scratching and clawing to get back to.
The normalcy and small town life I’d found boring to tears, I now wept for. My
family, my support system, my little church ... I wanted it all back. I’d
wanted to strike out alone, to do my own thing, only I’d ended up doing some
horrible things, and only worsening the problem in my futile attempt to correct
them. And now, here I was, wanting to go home again. More than that, though, I
wanted to go back. Rewind time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
money that had been spent in 10 months of fighting with BD was taking a toll on
not just me, but my whole family. I'd taken a lean out on the home my father
left me free and clear when he passed a few years earlier, I'd spent $11,000 in
rent, countless more thousands in living expenses and utilities and
transportation, plane tickets for my mother and my sister every time we were in
and out of court, and the money I was throwing at my lawyer just never stopped.
Every time we had a fight, the Suit got paid.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD
would want the baby on one of my days to do whatever he wanted to do. I'd say
ok, but have him back at such and such time. He'd say no, I'll have him back at
this time. I'd say, no, you need to have him back in time for me to do
whatever. He really was not used to me standing up for myself and was having a
real hard time hearing this new word, "no." A simple argument like
this would inevitably result in a call to one or both of our lawyers, which would
lead to our two lawyers' legal aids having a conversation, making a decision,
(which if it was my time BD was asking for would be my decision) drafting a
mailed letter to each of us, memorializing that decision, and issuing a $40
charge for said letter. The nickel and diming over our bullshyt added up
quickly and before the end, I'd reached nearly $40k. I imagine BD was also out
something close to that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was
pondering giving in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Under
any other circumstances,<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Serita</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>would have been right there
with me. She's the one I would talk to at a time like this. Of our small
circle, she's the grounded friend who gives sage advice. The one who'll pray
with you, rather than suggesting you go whoop somebody's ass to solve the
problem. (I do have friends who would do the latter). But I'd ruined that. I
hadn't even worked up the nerve to speak to the girl since<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Digital</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>broke the news of my
relationship with, and pregnancy by BD, himself. She'd tried to make contact
with me since then and I'd dodged each of her phone calls. I really had nothing
to say, outside of, I'm sorry. No explanation would be suitable, even if there
were one. I'd ruined our relationship forever, singly and really for no good
reason at all. Aside from my beautiful baby boy, look at what I had gotten.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Still,
I couldn't rightfully pray for a miracle with a dirty conscience. My
desperation gave me gaul. I called her. As the phone rang, I quickly decided
what I'd say and how I'd say it. It wasn't exactly on the fly, I'd had the
words in my mind for forever now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Hello,"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Serita,"
I said evenly. I wanted to apologize right off. I had to get it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Serita
is not the type to yell and scream, she's non confrontational, like me. I knew
she wouldn't beat up on me or call me names. When someone is in the wrong
though and willingly comes to take their licks, refusing to scold them, at
least a little, actually makes it harder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
sounded happy to hear from me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Melyssa!
Oh my gosh, how long has it been? How have you been? The baby's
beautiful," she began. "Congratulations."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This
really threw me off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"You've
seen the baby?" I asked, confused.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yeah.
BD sent me a pic on my phone from the hospital when he was born. He sent
Digital one, too."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"You've
gotta be kidding me," I said. Didn't mean to say that out loud.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"No,
it's okay. He was just excited. He looks like both of you. So what's motherhood
like?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Her
voice was light, her words comforting, but I was dumbfounded and I began to
stammer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I
just wanted you to know, well, for whatever it's worth at this point ... I know
it's been too long ..."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Mel,
it's not even like that," she broke in. "Honestly, I was surprised
when I heard it. Digital called me and I was in my classroom and he was like,
'Are you sitting down?' You know he's so dramatic. But really, BD and I hadn't
been together for a while and he does not belong to me. Both of you are free to
be with whoever you choose."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I
really wanted to apologize.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I'm
so sorry, Serita. I'm sorry for betraying your trust. You were a really good
friend to me and you've never done anything to deserve what I did to you. I
never should have been with BD --"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Mel,
please. Really. It's okay. It's old news. And you didn't betray me. I don't
have any claims to that man."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As far
as I was concerned she had. And as long as I felt like what I did was a
betrayal, and I'd still done it, then it was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"No,
it doesn't matter if you feel like you have claims to him ..." I tried
over and over to apologize and she wouldn't accept it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I
just want you guys to be happy," she said. "You both deserve
that."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wow.
She didn't know anything. Is this why she was so forgiving? Because she thought
at least we'd gone on and made something real of it when she wasn't gonna marry
him anyway? I quickly brought her up to speed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"We're
not together," I began. "It didn't really work out. You know how BD
is."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Um,
yeah," she laughed. We laughed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I told
her about everything. I just spilled it. I told her how he'd fooled the doctor.
I told her how beaten I felt. I don't think I stopped talking for 45 minutes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Melyssa
you are so much stronger than this. You're the one who gave me nerve," she
reminded me."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
took a few walks down memory lane. It was nice, for a moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"You
can do this," she told me. And she meant it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I
wish you would have called me earlier," she said. "It's so good to
hear from you."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I've
been a coward," I confided.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Well,
you don't need to be. You can call. We can still be friends, Mel." She
really said that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I
knew it was a lie. Maybe we could still talk on occasion. Maybe we'd hang when
we saw each other at homecoming and chat for a few minutes. But it was over. It
would never be the same. Serita would have trusted me with anything, and I her.
Regardless as to what she said, that was no more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="byline"><span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Originally posted</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span class="byline"><span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;">March
28, 2008 </span></span></span></i></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-78473722148845899552012-08-08T09:49:00.001-07:002012-08-08T09:49:26.390-07:0030. Psyching out the Psych<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRs3BL5QtSidsl7DngovBcErpekDC5ZjU71gDbraL-5EnVGJ0PNiTI-qGz5AeEH1eVKfcG_hi_RpvGxRLY_acNw4td1BS10XbLPTOc7o71b5_mYSkAihF12leguOnh996JCXtRhFZ2QlTH/s1600/psych.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRs3BL5QtSidsl7DngovBcErpekDC5ZjU71gDbraL-5EnVGJ0PNiTI-qGz5AeEH1eVKfcG_hi_RpvGxRLY_acNw4td1BS10XbLPTOc7o71b5_mYSkAihF12leguOnh996JCXtRhFZ2QlTH/s400/psych.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">M</span></b>y first visit with the psychologist was horrible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Her office was fairly friendly and unintimidating. There was
a bookshelf of toys and puzzles for children right next to the large,
comfortable sofa I sat on. She was seated across from me in a recliner, shoes
off, feet up and note pad in hand, with reading glasses on her nose. I relaxed
a bit. Her Birkenstocks lie abandoned on the floor. She wore capris and wild,
red curly hair. She looked to be about the age of 60 and she struck me as a bit
of a hippy. Not at all what I'd expected. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. I'd
arrived an entire hour early for the visit and used the time going over my
notes in the car. Perhaps I'd over analyzed, becasue it seemed that from the
very introduction, the tears began to fall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I sobbed. Uncontrollably, I mean. I boo hoo'd like a
baby.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She actually asked me at one point, "Are you always
this tearful when you talk about this situation?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hesitated to answer the question. I wanted to answer it
honestly and the truth was, I kept from talking about the situation because it
did reduce me to an emotional mess.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"At work, with friends and family ... when you discuss
it does it always make you cry like this?" She pressed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I tried to gather myself. I took a deep breath .. and
another, and began.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"It's the uncertainty of it all," I tried to
explain. "Apart from having my son, this is the most important thing I
will ever do because it will deeply affect the way I'm able to raise my son. I
know what's best for him. And I know what he needs. I'm just scared to death
that you may not agree with me."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why did I say that? Her pen scrawled furiously and her
glasses slid to the tip of her nose. She glanced up at me over the edge of the
lenses and looked down to write some more. She let me leave early that day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What I'd read said to answer questions factually and
succinctly. I had been all too emotional.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The subsequent visits though, each at an hour and a half, I
thought went a little better than the last. I certainly never cried like I had
that first time again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was well composed, well dressed, I gushed over my baby
like a mom in love, and I spoke briefly but well of his father like a perfectly
level headed woman who is completely over a romantic relationship that simply
didn't work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had been warned not to allege anything I couldn't prove. I
didn't. I answered her questions. I never denied BD’s love for our son, I
merely asserted that I was the better parent for him. (This would later incense
BD, but wasn't he implying the same thing? That he was the better parent by
challenging custody in the first place? I thought that's what this was about).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And the day that I was to take the baby in with me went
exceptionally well. He walked a little for the doctor, stumbling around her
office. I'd already told her we were working on taking steps. We played with
his ring stacker, and I called out the colors to him in Spanish as he placed
each ring on the pole, and we read his favorite book. He loved it. The doctor
sat back, watching, minimally interfering and mostly observing. Certainly she
was able to see what a great mom I was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD and I had been alternating visits, though. She'd see me
once, then she'd see him, then she'd see me. I'm sure he was ever impressive.
He'd certainly convinced her of a few things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">During one visit, she asked me about our parental
differences. There are so many. BD and I really have little in common. I listed
the biggies for her though:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Religion, eating habits, our lifestyles really are
quite different," I tried to explain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Well, I think he's pretty much over the whole eating
thing. He understands you're a meat eater and he's not and when the child is
with you he'll eat as you do and when the child is with him, he'll eat as he
does."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is she seriously explaining BD's philosophy on food to me?
My smile remains plastered on my face but I am in a state of disbelief. First
of all, because it is clear that she actually believes that anything with BD
could possibly be that simple. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(Ie, I JUST, no lie,
JUST got an angry email a week ago -- this is a week ago, in real time as in
March of 2008 -- about feeding our child chicken nuggets from McDonalds. Mind
you, he's going on two and the only reason I even shared this trip to McDonalds
with his dad is because I'd taken him to Playland, snapped some pics, he had a
fantastic time and I was trying to tell BD I'd be mailing the pictures off.
This man about had a heart attack. The very next day, I get an email with links
to informational sources on why McDonalds is so bad for kids -- though I cook
every single day and I do not feed our child fast food as a rule -- along with
his natural doctor's phone number who will be expecting my call should I have
questions. NOTHING is simple with BD. But how dyou tell somebody how very
controlling and obsessive a person is without sounding a little off, yourself?
Granted, some of the stories I have to tell about BD are a bit far fetched and
unbelievable, but true all the same).<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I didn't even know how to respond to that. So I continued
with my list.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Medical treatment is also a big concern," I said.
"BD is against Western medicine and I think treatment should it be necessary,
is important."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Has the child been vaccinated?" She asked,
peering up at me over her glasses.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, I'm nervous. How could I not see this coming.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yes, I had him vaccinated with his first round when we
were home for that month."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Does the father know?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"No, I haven't told him."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"You haven't told him you had the child
vaccinated?" She asked surprised but almost upset as well. "What if
he went and got the child vaccinated without your knowledge? Now the child has
received a double dosage of vaccines, then what?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Excellent point. But it was not going to happen in a million
years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"BD would never ever get our child vaccinated or stand
by while I did. He is absolutely against injections of any kind unless it's to
draw blood or administer fluids," I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I tried to explain to her that he'd been vaccinated as a
child and had a terrible reaction and so his parents had not vaccinated their
five children who came after him. They do not believe in vaccinations. He'd
given me books, lectured me endlessly, pulled up websites about the dangers of
vaccines ... He did not want it done and would not allow it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I was scared, quite frankly. Though much too prideful to
admit it. I mean, after the baby had received the shots, what could BD really
do? Be mad? So what. But still, I was scared to tell him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The psychologist was unmoved. Her face had contorted into
something of a frown as her pen moved like lightning. I did not know it then,
but this would be damning to her opinion of me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We'd have to wait two gruelling weeks before the
psychologist's final report would be drafted and sent to our respective
attorneys' offices. I just hoped for the best.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I do believe that when God works a miracle, he closes 9 out
of 10 doors first, so that when that 10th door opens, the odds have already
been so dim that you can't thank anyone else for what you've received but a
higher power.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'd depended so heavily upon this doctor's report, it took
over my thoughts in the day and my dreams at night. I'd read several other
published and mock reports. Who knew that this isn't the way that my prayer
would be answered. I went over the verbiage in my mind, inserting mine and BD's
names imagining what she might think of us both.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When the 20-page report finally came down and my lawyer
called me in to go over it with him, it was clear, the psychologist hadn't
thought much of me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"She didn't like you at all," My lawyer blurted
out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was not a man to mince words. I was going over my copy
line by line as he sat at his desk flipping through his, pointing out the
highlights.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"You really pissed her off with the whole
vaccinations," He said. "She thought you were arrogant </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and you think
you're the child's only parent ..." he went on and on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My God, some of the stuff she'd said about me was right in
line with <i>BD's</i> character. I was in
f*cking bazzaro world. This was crazy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And the kicker:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"BD feels that Ms. Ganache wants to alienate him from
his child and strip him of his fatherly rights in raising that child. His fears
are not altogther unfounded. She makes major decisions unilaterally as in her
vaccinating the child against his wishes and not sharing it with him. BD did
not learn of his child's vaccination until this doctor made him aware of it
during a session and he was quite upset. She has also taken the child to the
doctor on at least two occasions and received prescription medication for the
child without making BD aware of this."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That's a graf from the report VERBATIM. She'd misunderstood
everything. And what does she mean I unilaterally made the decision to
vaccinate our child? He had unilaterally made the decision <i>not </i>to vaccinate our child. So one of us was gonna have our way,
right? Why would it not have been a problem if our child remained unvaccinated?
Am I having an out-of-body experience right now?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And didn't she understand that the reason I had to sneak to
the doctor with my baby is because after begging BD for weeks, he refused to
allow him to go? He did not want our child medicated at all. He would not allow
it. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell him, I couldn't tell him. We were
still under the same roof at the time. She hadn't believed anything I'd said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The doctor went on to suggest first, as my motion with the
court had been for permission to relocate, that I not be allowed to leave the
state of New Jersey; And second, that the custody of our child be shared 50/50
between the two of us on a two-day, three-day schedule. Madness. Who does that?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This was her suggestion to the court.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And it was only the beginning of the type-written misconstrued
information and some, down right lies, that would pass the judge's desk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was about to be accused of everything, lesbianism, alcohol
abuse, negligence, irresponsibility and general character flaws ...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD had a taste for blood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 27, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-63681968915002938352012-08-08T09:42:00.001-07:002012-08-08T09:42:42.993-07:0029. Studying First Impressions, Analyzing Second Thoughts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0vhFOxLxvIzqhhjbW6W8783KUGx0877wFy0OOiOi4yOWB84wZsaJZ453Uzkb98Qmm-GIG-oodza9bXuUyTCoiL10SPUJpmnY6mHS48_BYfYuokbXZQhwq8ojJqPv8rt-O1MxbU8yRNFv1/s1600/chapter+28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0vhFOxLxvIzqhhjbW6W8783KUGx0877wFy0OOiOi4yOWB84wZsaJZ453Uzkb98Qmm-GIG-oodza9bXuUyTCoiL10SPUJpmnY6mHS48_BYfYuokbXZQhwq8ojJqPv8rt-O1MxbU8yRNFv1/s400/chapter+28.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">I </span></b>spent the next 30 days between the library and that
friendly lawyer's office back home. I read everything I could get my hands on
about preparing for a custody trial and successfully getting through a psych
evaluation. We'd both been ordered to visit a court appointed psychologist who,
after several one-on-one visits with both of us and one visit with each of us
along with the child, would enter a written report detailing her findings and
recommendations to the court. It's not the only thing the judge would rely on
in making her decision, but she would depend on the psych's words heavily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was not at all confident.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"The man is a sociopath, she's trained to see right
through people like him, don't worry about it," my supporters said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But <i>I</i> hadn't seen
right through him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"She knows the signs, she knows what to look for. Once
she meets him, this whole thing will be over in a couple of weeks. I knew there
was something off about him the first time I met him," the peanut gallery
rallied behind me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeah, but I didn't. As I said, he's pretty convincing. I
couldn't depend on the psychologist properly gauging his character. I needed to
work on my own presentation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I pored over clinical questionnaires, books as thick as my
forearm outlining what to do, what to say, how to do it, how to say it. Be
friendly, not too friendly, smile, not too much ... instructions like that were
for<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><a href="http://blogs.sohh.com/confessions/2008/03/studying_first_impressions_ana.html"><span class="itxtrst"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: windowtext; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%; padding: 0in; text-decoration: none;">mothers</span></span></a><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and fathers. But these
books devoted entire chapters to the desired appearance of a mother who wants
her children back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Everything I’d read suggested demure dress, short nails (one
book actually said "you can't bake cookies with long nails and you need to
look like you've been baking cookies." This was NOT a circa 1950 book, by
the way), no bright colors, no heels (no heels?) Yes, this was in bold print ...
basically, I needed to look like a schoolmarm<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and
act the part as well. Don’t bad mouth the other parent, answer questions as
succinctly as possible, don't elaborate or offer unnecessary information unless
asked, be honest, speak about the other parent's good points, don't sound like
a bitter, scorned woman, demonstrate that you are able to separate the other
parent's performance as a partner from his performance as a father ...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There was sooo much. I went shopping (in the women's
department :)) and came out with bags like I was replacing my entire wardrobe.
Knee length skirts, waist cut pants (not the kind that hug and scoop your rear,
which is all they sell nowadays) button down blouses in larger sizes, not the
stretchy, accentuating kind (equally hard to find), flat shoes and absolutely
no cleavage of any kind, which is a bit of a feat for me. I've been blessed. :)
It's also hot outside at this time, so finding clothes that adequately cover
isn't even seasonal right now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, after returning to New Jersey, we'd been staying
in a hotel for a week while looking for an apartment everyday on the internet
and up and down the streets checking out for-rent signs. Not in the same city
or even the same county as with<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong>,
though. I'd put about 45 minutes between us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But during this time we were also sharing our son equally,
as we would until a final court decision was made. We'd meet at Burger King or
some other public place to make the exchange. That's when he began acting
strange. After the telephone threats and the angry intimidating long stares,
now, all of a sudden, BD was nice. Sweet, even. To the point that it made me
uncomfortable. Once he handed me the baby and as I took him in my arms, he
leaned in next to me, smiled and snapped a pic of the three of us with his
digital camera. A family picture? Another time he brought flowers and kissed me
on the forehead. Gross, at this point.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He even suggested that we go to church together. Church?<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Together?</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>I don't think I covered
this, but BD was sooo anti anything Christian. He dumped out a little bottle of
holy oil for the baby that an elder at my church back home had blessed for him.
Not once but twice, he threw away the baby's first book, this cute little black
and white "Jesus Loves Me" baby book that I'd bought.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I quickly learned not to get drawn into theological debates
with him when he called me a "handkerchief-wearing negro" for
believing the "white man's lies" and "worshiping the white man's
God." He told me he never wanted his child to step foot in a church.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The day before my scheduled C-Section, (yes, while the child
was still in my belly) he had a fit when I peeked my head into the back room
where he was playing Madden and announced I'd be back in a couple of hours, I
was going to church. His need for control was obsessive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I could not believe he was actually changing. Not really. BD
wasn't the type to have second thoughts. He was always right the first time.
Maybe this was one last ditch effort before the final psych eval and our trial
date to gauge how hard I was really willing to go. (He had no idea). Perhaps he
was as nervous about the impending psych eval as I was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I got into "costume" and went over my
"lines," rehearsing from those clinical questionnaires and the
notebook of notes I'd taken, with my family. (This happened to be going on
during the summer, my<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><a href="http://blogs.sohh.com/confessions/2008/03/studying_first_impressions_ana.html"><span class="itxtrst"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: windowtext; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%; padding: 0in; text-decoration: none;">mother's</span></span></a><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>a teacher and my sister
was a student at the time, so they were both able to stay with me a while).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But when the day of my first appointment with the woman who
held the fate of myself and my child in the power of her pen finally came, I
could not have been less prepared.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 26, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-49678303666307864722012-08-08T09:39:00.000-07:002012-08-08T09:39:14.121-07:0028. Round One: And the Winner Is ...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqlG751U_G21w5-EgFqtLI87tsYmwBTnb9LcPDj26ocoKi7kozD89xhjWCC3R06bk9zbMK0icU6fSieDs8X9JmGrl7faK63huOszkzmNmW6kWeeALPOisJCt4NZv7RSiUSVAKLCUMabBRc/s1600/boxing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqlG751U_G21w5-EgFqtLI87tsYmwBTnb9LcPDj26ocoKi7kozD89xhjWCC3R06bk9zbMK0icU6fSieDs8X9JmGrl7faK63huOszkzmNmW6kWeeALPOisJCt4NZv7RSiUSVAKLCUMabBRc/s640/boxing.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... <span style="font-size: x-large;">N</span>ot me. At least it didn't feel like that, the day I was
forced to hand my baby over to<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and leave the courthouse
without him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You really shouldn't talk about matters like this in the
sense of winners and losers, but it was hard not to feel that way. From the
moment we walked in, the building was filled with opponents and challengers.
Prosecutorial attorneys, defense lawyers, plaintiffs and defendants, all
supposedly working together in the best interest of whatever poor, unfortunate
child was caught in the middle of a pair of parents' mess.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I came in with my family, my mother, my aunt, my uncle, my
two sisters, strolling my baby in his carriage. Their support had been like
steel. Even so, the grey walls with their peeling paint, and the dim hallogen
lighting of the patterned some-on, some-busted bulbs scattered across the
ceiling cast an ominous light. When we got to our floor, there were hard,
wooden benches lined up like church pews, one in front of the other leading up
to just feet away from the double door entrance to the family court court room.
It was a full house and every bit as disheartening and dramatic as a made-for-TV
special. Anxious mothers, saddened or angry fathers, screaming babies ... faces
of dismay. I sat and added mine to the collage and waited nervously for our
names to be called.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The lawyer I'd contracted just a couple of days before, when
we got into town, joined us. I said a silent prayer for my freedom, my baby's
well-being, and a speedy and favorable resolution. (People are in and out of
family court for years). I also added a few words for the competence of the
suit sitting next to me. I'd let my fingers do the walking (found him in the
Yellow Pages).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The wait seemed to draw out for hours before, "<strong><span style="line-height: 115%;">BD
v Ganache</span></strong>," a clerk stuck her head out the court room
doors, file in hand, calling our names. It was time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My family, then BD and his clan, quickly filled out the
small room, the Ganache's on one side and his people on the other. So this was
it. We were really here. BD and I took our seats at a long table in front of
the gallery, directly before the judge, with our respective representitives
separating us. We couldn't even see each other. I preferred it this way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before we began though, the judge asked everyone except the
two litigants and our lawyers to leave the room. I don't know why. They did,
and now it was just us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She asked me the expected questions. "Why did you
leave? Why didn't you ask the court for assistance? Why do you think you and
your child will be better off in another state?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I briefly and tearfully brought her up to speed on our
relationship. I told her about the time our baby was sick, full of mucous and
laboring to breathe. How I'd slept, back against the wall, propped up on pillows
holding him, because sitting upright made it easier for him to breathe. How
he'd choked on his milk because he couldn't breath through his nose and suckle
with is mouth at the same time. I'd begged BD repeatedly for us to take the
child to the doctor. BD's something of an herbalist. His mother did a stint at
medical school and she's something of an herbalist as well. They do not believe
in modern medicine. They also do not believe in surgery, they think cutting is
barbaric. They also do not believe in vaccinations. Anyway, I told her how I
took a half day from work, picked the baby up form daycare, took him to the
doctor and paid out of pocket for the visit and the medicine, so BD wouldn't
receive record form the insurance company and go into a rage. He was diagnosed
with a lower respiratory infection, by the way. I left work every day for a
week on my lunch hour and walked the six or eight blocks from my job to the
nursery to administer the medication to the baby, myself. This is just one
example of the extent of BD's control, and also the extent to which I was
willing to go to make sure my baby was safe. My finally leaving was an
extension of that spirit. I really had to go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The judge listened patiently and quietly before directing
her attention to BD. His recounting was every bit as tearful and sincere
sounding. He just wanted to be in his son's life, he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The letter of the law is clear, so the preliminary ruling
was swift. Our child is a New Jersey native and therefore the move must be
uncontested by the other parent or approved by the court in order to be lawful.
BD's Spring Break happened to have just begun, (remember, he’s a teacher) so
the judge ordered that I give the baby to his father for the remainder of his
break. Upon the close of his vacation, BD was to fly the baby to me in my home
state where I would be given 30 days to get my affairs in order and secure an
apartment in New Jersey. If at the end of 30 days I had still not relocated
back to NJ, I would still have to return the child to his father. Once I got
back, we'd either have to go to court again to come up with a parenting plan or
ink an agreement ourselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It just so happened that I'd taken the baby to the doctor a
few days before in my hometown because he'd been pulling at his ears and not
sleeping well. I wanted to make sure his ears wouldn't hurt too terribly on the
flight. (I've flown with a cold before and it's murder). He was diagnosed with
a minor ear infection and given an antibiotic. Outside the courtroom as we were
saying our goodbyes and I was handing my child over to his father, I tried to
explain the dosage to him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Here," I said holding out the ziploc baggie of
ice with the medicine bottle inside. "You have to keep it refrigerated and
he needs a dropper full twice a day. There's only about four days left, I think
--"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Give it to my mother," he said, refusing to make
eye contact with me or accept the medication. He was gloating. I gave it to her
and got no better response. I was convinced my child would not be finishing his
round of antibiotics. There was nothing I could do about it. His family laughed
and chattered and celebrated outside the court room. I tried my best to smile,
I acknowledged everyone with a head nod and left as quickly as I could.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My lawyer encouraged me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This was to be expected," he said. "He
hasn't seen the child in almost two weeks and he's off of work. It was really
perfect timing for him. It doesn't say anything about the final outcome of the
case. Hang in there kiddo," and he was off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So there it was. I was ordered to move back to the state
until the matter of custody was resolved. I have relatives who have fought over
custody for 10 years and spent a hundred thousand dollars, easy, on custody
resolution. I wasn't sure if I could do this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I went back to the hotel dragging a folded stroller and
collapsed inside my room. I cried, ached took some sleeping pills and tried to
melt into the hard mattress.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 25, 2008 </span></i><span style="font-size: 8.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-5948362739393864242012-08-08T09:31:00.002-07:002012-08-08T09:31:53.981-07:0027. You Got Served ... with a Court Order<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1L7j1NH3CN_bnVyWqausKyYDxsNrH065RlCtWS7oejXH8-MarQ8qIPsZRv9X-yfhk3w9jgY7xY-6IngTCpNarBtzqLgI4wWSrEgU4Ci4ASMJXK6q0aCQFAshSzHNFekWjf-OUHHucRFD9/s1600/chapter+26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1L7j1NH3CN_bnVyWqausKyYDxsNrH065RlCtWS7oejXH8-MarQ8qIPsZRv9X-yfhk3w9jgY7xY-6IngTCpNarBtzqLgI4wWSrEgU4Ci4ASMJXK6q0aCQFAshSzHNFekWjf-OUHHucRFD9/s400/chapter+26.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">T</span></b>he drive home was long, the car was packed down and cramped
and I could hardly move my arms, pinned against the window in the back seat
next to the baby in his car seat. But he slept peacefully and obliviously.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What I wouldn’t give for innocence like that. To just lie
back in my seat, knowing nothing of the turmoil surrounding me, trusting that
it would be taken care of and I would be unconditionally loved and blameless. A
million miles from reality. I was in for the fight of my life and there would
be no tag team. You know how in tag-team wrestling, how the guy can tap his
partner and then the other dude comes in the ring and fights for him, before
switching off again? The battle I was in for would have no such reprieve. (I am
not a fan, by the way. My grandmother used to sit in front of the TV with a
beer watching wrestling for hours).<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD’s</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>first call didn’t come
through until early that evening. As he’d taken to checking with the daycare
each morning to confirm that I’d dropped off the baby, this morning I actually
had. I’d left our son at daycare long enough to load the car up and give BD a
chance to make sure he was there before picking him back up again and heading
out.<br />
<br />
His greatest fear hadn’t been realized until about 4 p.m. when my phone rang.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I seriously considered not picking up at all. But I had to
answer the phone. Though he may want to involve the police and he’d certainly
seek the court’s assistance, what was most important was the way in which I
would handle myself from here on out. I’d already left the state without
permission, the least I could do was own up to that and let my child’s father
know his son hadn’t, God forbid, been hit by a car or something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sidebar: I think my
continued communication with BD, while leaving and after I’d gotten home, is
what kept the judge from throwing the book at me, by the way. It illustrated my
intent, which was not to hurt the child’s father, but to seek a better
existence for myself and my son. Now whether she’d agree that I, across the
country, was the one to give our son a better life was another story).<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Where are you with my son?” He
asked in a panic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I went back home,” I said in
my best impersonation of a calm woman. “I told you
I was moving, and I have.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I did tell him I was moving. He’d asked me one day while we
were living apart. I’d sidestepped the question before finally saying yes, I
did want to go back home, I just did not know when. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Actually, at that time, I
did know when. This would also later come up in court.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My lawyer would also later tell me it’s too bad I confirmed
that I had actually “moved” on the
phone that day. Otherwise it could have easily been a vacation or a trip to
visit family, a misunderstanding to help me escape catching a charge. (Of
course this would also mean I’d have to return at the close of that vacay).
Thank God I didn’t need that defense though, because after my clear admission,
I certainly had none.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You can’t do that!” BD screamed
into the phone. “I knew it! I knew you took him!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m sorry, BD. I had to. I couldn’t stay there with you.” Still calm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“With me!? You told me to leave and I left! I did everything
you asked me to do!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeah, he'd left for an apartment 20 feet away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Do you have my mother’s address?” I
asked? “That’s
where we’ll be. It’s
65 Shore Drive, and the zip code, is --“<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I know where your mother lives,” he
interjected. “I can’t
get out there.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hadn’t been inviting him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I just want you to know where our son is. And I don’t want
to take him out of your life, I just can’t continue to live there anymore.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You don’t want to take him out of my life? Whadyou think
stealing him and running 13 hours away is? This is kidnapping!” He yelled as if receiving a revelation. “I’ll have you arrested.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The threat didn’t rattle me nearly as badly as it had the
last time. The friendly lawyer that gave me the free advice already told me
that it was very unlikely that cops from my state would come to the door and
take my child from me on papers from out-of-state authorities, or that they’d
act on family court matters from across state lines.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD hung up on me, I assumed to call the police.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">About an hour later though, I was getting more calls. Not
from BD but from the same area code. I didn’t pick up. There was no sense in us
arguing about it. I was gone and I wasn’t turning around. He would do in
rebuttal, whatever he was gonna do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Later that night I checked my messages and had two from a<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Judge
Lauren Hope</span></strong>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hi, this message is for<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Melyssa
Ganache</span></strong>. Ms. Ganache this is Judge Hope, I’m calling you from
my chambers because there’s a Mr. BD here who is filing a complaint against you
for kidnapping. He says you have left the state with the child you two share.
Please give me a call back so I can speak with you about this matter. If I don’t
hear from you, I’ll be forced to accept his application for a hearing.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was too late to return the phone call.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Three days later the summons arrived at my mother’s front
door. I ripped the envelope open anxiously. I’d been expecting this. I was
being ordered to appear at an emergent hearing. It stated that the matter was
urgent and “detrimental harm” could be
caused to the child if custody was not “immediately
remanded to the father.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The court date was only a week out. It didn’t even make
sense to finish unpacking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 24, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-14838582566229702662012-08-08T09:28:00.001-07:002012-08-08T09:28:30.489-07:0026. Plan B: Running<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBEJfe0odF9Kl9_6ra6jokEa6v1Mlhd8LQXfvSdKDVmRlxNTWQdPHuAMzCFRQsou2dGvWCzQuXtJNNUQXimDypCflzqK4I3RbQ6o0eh9X8w1Sxu9G9vi1aMiO0Dj4gSthwXCgkgzzxNUaI/s1600/chapter+25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBEJfe0odF9Kl9_6ra6jokEa6v1Mlhd8LQXfvSdKDVmRlxNTWQdPHuAMzCFRQsou2dGvWCzQuXtJNNUQXimDypCflzqK4I3RbQ6o0eh9X8w1Sxu9G9vi1aMiO0Dj4gSthwXCgkgzzxNUaI/s640/chapter+25.jpg" width="464" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">M</span></b>y<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><a href="http://blogs.sohh.com/confessions/2008/03/moving_to_plan_b_bd_knows_im_l.html"><span class="itxtrst"><b><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: windowtext; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%; padding: 0in;">mom</span></b></span></a><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and my aunt flew out a
few days later to help me get my business in order and prepare me to leave. My
uncle was supposed to have come, but couldn’t at the last minute. There are
people in much worse situations than mine who don’t have people in their lives
who are willing to drop everything for them, take a few days off of work and
come out of pocket because a loved one needs something. I was thankful for
having that kind of support, and I was finally ready to make use of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They’d both been vehement about my staying home the first
time, trying their hardest to convince me. For all the people who have since
told me you can’t talk reason with an unreasonable person, my<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><a href="http://blogs.sohh.com/confessions/2008/03/moving_to_plan_b_bd_knows_im_l.html"><span class="itxtrst"><b><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: windowtext; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%; padding: 0in;">mother</span></b></span></a><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>was the first.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Still, as they split up and spread out, taking down the apartment
competently and categorically, there were no “I told you sos.” (A lot of times, people will continue banging there head, for
fear that someone whose seemingly silly and uninformed advice turned out to be
wise, might say, “I told you so.”)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I continued to take the baby to daycare when my family was
here so<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>wouldn’t become
suspicious. He’d made a habit of calling everyday about an hour after I dropped
him off, to make sure the baby was indeed there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This day was no different. I wasn’t working in the office
today, I had to do an interview in Brooklyn and I planned to come back in the
late afternoon to write up the story. It ended up being an all-day thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD never called my job. He’d only been there twice to pick
up a pair of keys or something when he’d locked himself out, so I wasn’t
worried about him finding out about my last day at work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Murphy’s law.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I called the office to check in and let them know things
were taking longer than I’d expected. These Hip-Hop dudes were never on time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh, Hey,<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Mel</span></strong>,
your boyfriend just called here,” the
receptionist said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My boyfriend. I hadn’t been real clear with my employer
about my situation and hadn’t told my coworkers anything at all. He<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">never</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>called my job.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Uh, what did he want?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I dunno, I told him I’d leave a message on your desk, but I
didn’t know if you’d be back for it since today’s your last day,” she said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, I hadn’t instructed her not to. I didn’t want my
departure to be shrouded in such mystery and shame. “Shhh, don’t tell anyone I’m
leaving.” Messy and personal. Certainly not
professional. That’s how I felt, anyway. So much I woulda done differently ...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You said I wasn’t comin back?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Well, I said you might not be because you went on location
and it’s getting late. And I know you won’t be back tomorrow.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fantastic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Should I not have said anything?”
She asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shyt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Don’t worry about it, Mel,” my
mom attempted to calm me later. “So he knows
you’re leaving. Okay. But he doesn’t know I’m here, he doesn’t know your<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Aunt
Velma’s</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>here,
he doesn’t know when you’re leaving or how. He probably assumes you’re flying
again like last time and that you bought a ticket already.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That’s exactly what he thinks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I bet he expects you to leave tomorrow,” she went on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Then we’ll just wait until Monday.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD had picked the baby up from daycare that evening. He did
that sometimes. Sometimes he’d call beforehand and let me know he wanted him
that night; sometimes he’d txt me after and inform me that he’d picked the baby
up; sometimes he wouldn’t say anything and I’d go to the daycare center after
work to discover that BD had taken him an hour before. He hated to have to ask
my permission for anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tonight was typical. He’d picked him up and not said a word.
So frustrating.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I called him around 8 p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hey, when are you bringing the baby back?” I asked. “It’s getting kinda late and I want to put him to bed.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I think I’ll keep him tonight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wow. I tried to sound casual and unmoved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh, okay. Well, just bring him back in the morning then. No
problem,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Actually, I wanted to go to the museum with him tomorrow
afternoon.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, he’s testing me. He’s fishing around for a time. I’m
not stressing about tonight, so it’s not tonight, and I didn’t make a big deal
about the next day either, so maybe it's not tomorrow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Okay,” I said. “That’ll be fun. He’s gonna wanna touch everything. Take lots of pictures,” I said, trying to end the conversation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Wait, are you gonna be with us when he has his pediatric
appointment on Thursday?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Am I going to be<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">with</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>them? Have I ever missed
a doctor appointment? He doesn’t even have a car, I’m the one who takes the
baby for his wellness visits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Have I ever missed a doctor appointment, BD?” Not really an answer. “Okay
you guys have big fun, gnight --”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Wait, is your magazine job gonna let you off to take him to
the doctor?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My "magazine" job? Who says that? Your
"teaching" job? It’s clear to me now that he’s recording the
conversation. I guess, to try and prove later that I had been untruthful with
him about taking our son out of the state. It wouldn’t be necessary. It would
be quite obvious actually and something I’d admit to. But the realization made
me nervous anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I gotta go BD. Talk tyou later.” I
hung up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Monday morning, I took the baby to daycare as I always did,
and rushed back home to load up the car. BD had already boarded the bus for
work by this time, but I called the school a half hour later just to make sure.
Perfect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our clothes had all been boxed and shipped home, UPS. The
big stuff, like the sofa and my bed, the dresser and the book shelves, were put
in storage and everything else had to fit in the Camry. Two hours later, my
mom, my aunt and I, went by the daycare center. They waited in the car as I
made a little small talk with one of the care providers and signed my son out.
I hadn’t said a word about my plans. I’d have to call them later and apologize
and pay the two-week penalty for lack of notice. I couldn’t risk letting them
know earlier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I strapped the baby into his seat in the back, slid in next
to him and we were off. We were really going home this time. Really.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The day and a half leading up to my final departure had been
wrenching. My stomach was in knots, I had not slept, and though I’d decided
what I must do -- leave -- I wasn’t at peace about facing the fall out that
would inevitably ensue. There would definitely be a battle. I had no idea how
it would end, or how long it would take, or even exactly what constituted “kidnapping” in the legal sense. I just knew I was kicking it off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In New Jersey, relocating with your kid out of state without
the other parent’s or the court’s permission, fits the definition, by the way.</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 21, 2008</span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-47477925319336079172012-08-08T09:23:00.000-07:002012-08-08T09:23:03.967-07:0025. Time to Start Packing. Again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuL5AqTAd_lvRcjUGklzbHVK3oz3D9CV0QVdt0WQd3OCUUg24oK792r4fggXMKjMBpsGIxG8Hu-oJtzgo4xJPM704U8bYwiK-0UT5ArkCAPBimDsOxcaHCZq8lLS_C7x5Hv5efXKDkNBwJ/s1600/time+to+start+packing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuL5AqTAd_lvRcjUGklzbHVK3oz3D9CV0QVdt0WQd3OCUUg24oK792r4fggXMKjMBpsGIxG8Hu-oJtzgo4xJPM704U8bYwiK-0UT5ArkCAPBimDsOxcaHCZq8lLS_C7x5Hv5efXKDkNBwJ/s400/time+to+start+packing.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">I</span></b>t was time to start packing again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d only been back for two weeks before I gave my job two
weeks notice and told my landlord I’d be leaving. Every evening after work, I
began quietly packing my things away after the baby was asleep. I kept the
shades drawn at all times, I walked quietly and purposefully across the wooden
floor, I inspected blemishes in the wall ... I felt like<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>was always watching me.
I slept in hour, maybe two-hour increments, I just kept waking up, so I’d
schlep through the living room and check and double check the bolt on the door,
peering motionless out the peephole into the hallway, each time expecting to
see him staring back. I talked in a little more than an enunciated whisper on
the phone, afraid that somehow he would hear me, learn of my plan to run away
and God knows what he’d do. The walls were thin. I no longer put anything past
this man.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This evening, I’d started early and I’d gotten a lot done.
The place had already looked bare with BD’s stuff cleared out. But I’d
successfully filled four large U-Haul boxes with my own things, wall hangings,
summer clothes, shoes, clothes that were too small for the baby and I had a
couple of big trash bags brimming with stuff I should have been gotten rid of.
I felt accomplished, competent and for the first time since I’d decided I needed
to go for good, I felt like the daunting task ahead of me was doable. It was a
lot, but I’d made some major headway in only a few days.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The TV was on, some reality show rerun. Lights in each room
lit up the entire apartment as I was back and forth pulling things from here
and there to fold, wrap or otherwise pack away. The baby giggled gleefully in
his walker, racing around noisily across the creaky floor, from one wall to
another like bumper cars.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was way past his bedtime and I needed to turn in too. I
had work the next day. Then the phone rang. I picked it up and glanced at the
ID. BD. What does he want? I let it go to voicemail. Two minutes later, it
rings again. What could he want? He hadn’t left a message. A few seconds and he’s
calling again. I’d think it were some kind of emergency, only, the only person
who’s health I’d be worried about was right there with me. So whatever it was,
it could wait.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ten minutes past after the succession of phone calls and my
Treo hadn’t rung. Strange. He usually doesn’t give up so easily. Then I
remembered, my car was parked right outside. And as soon as the recollection
clicked, there was a knock at the door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think my heart stopped for a second. Wait. If it was my
landlord, he’d announce himself in a second. Another knock and my mind took off
running.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have no idea how BD got past the front door. I’m stiff. I
have to move all the boxes to the back room quietly before the baby makes a
sound and gives our location away. I don’t have time and they’re too heavy to move
quickly and noiselessly. Too late to turn the lights off. My heart is pounding
out of my chest. I can’t<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">not</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><i><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></i></span>answer. It’s obvious
I’m home and if I refuse to answer the door it will spark suspicion. But I can’t
answer the door, either. He’ll want to step in and see the baby. Maybe if I
keep the chain on the door he’ll assume I have a man here and go away. No, then
he’ll<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">really</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>demand to see his son
and make his presence known. I can’t let him in. Shyt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I grabbed the flaps of one half full box and began moving it
into the bedroom just as the baby let out a squeal, stomped his feet beneath
him and took off rolling across the floor again and into the TV cabinet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And he knocked again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Who is it?” I yelled
over my shoulder, grabbing a second box and shuffling it into the bedroom with
the first.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“BD,” he responded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Gimme a second,” hauling a
third, then the fourth and finally the last box and closing the bedroom door
behind me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I pulled a robe over my tank top and shorts like I was
coming out of the shower.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And finally, “What’s wrong?” I
asked almost breathlessly, as I cracked the door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh, here,” he said,
smiling. He’d been positioned like he was
just about to turn and walk away. I should’ve waited. He bent down and picked
up a brown paper bag sitting on the floor at his feet. “I was gonna leave this
for you. It’s for our son.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now he’s<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">our</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>son. He seemed half
pleasant. But I’d come to expect the highs and lows. I never knew what I was
gonna get with him. Like a box of chocolates. (Molded, bitter, nasty ones).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He’d picked up baby wipes, baby shampoo, diapers and a
couple of other things from the organic market. I hated that shyt. It didn’t
smell like a baby, the diapers were ugly and brown, made of recycled material
and they didn’t feel all that comfortable either. When we were together he’d
been insistent about these products.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I took them, “Thanks,”
but my baby wasn’t gonna see any of that crap.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Is he awake?” BD asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As if on cue, the little guy rolled up in his walker, toys
swinging, beaming up at his dad. Perfect. He wouldn’t have to come all the way
in to see the baby. He stepped over the threshold to pick him up, but was
obviously concentrating more on what he might be able to glean by the
rearranged wall hangings and furniture … about what might be going on or what
might have gone on, in my apartment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Well, I’m gonna put him to bed,” I
said, after BD had thrown the baby in the air a couple of times, riling him up
nicely before I’d attempt to wind him down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He gave the room a quick scan again, took inventory of each
corner in his strange little mind and left easily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I want to pick him up tomorrow and take him to my parents’
house,” he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Okay, just pick him up form daycare tomorrow,” I said. I never denied him access to our child. That’s one thing amid a slew of other accusations that he’d try to say when this whole thing went to court.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I closed the door behind him and peered through the peephole
to watch BD descend down the stairs. I stood quietly waiting to hear the heavy
front door creak open and slam shut with the wind. And then, I exhaled. I
locked the door, clicked the bolt, pulled the knob and went through both
motions again before turning, leaning against the wood and sliding down to the
floor. I caught my breath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Even without BD in the apartment, this was crazy. This was
no way to live. And though he could’ve caught somebody downstairs, going out
when he was coming in, he probably also had a key to the front door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He’s watching for my comings and goings, calling me at all
hours and now, showing up unannounced. I don’t know what time I went to bed
that night. I dragged those filled boxes back out along with several more
broken down boxes and began building them and filling them in short order in
the living room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I didn’t have two weeks to wait.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 20, 2008</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-50310322186703369242012-08-08T09:07:00.003-07:002012-08-08T09:07:49.980-07:0024. I Always Feel Like Somebody's Waatchin Me-e<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgst189x8zoVoeaJLYkf4O61kAWVVobRB6rPYRw6gyPF3uxQQ5Ex3iwqRxxYMkECNrAFdUUzUULdJQcKBtgO43j1zj9xE06D-6eNq4IJcEezwfssgLJ838txYmL6Ef7sh5fcxYyJqGdtO6/s1600/chapter+24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgst189x8zoVoeaJLYkf4O61kAWVVobRB6rPYRw6gyPF3uxQQ5Ex3iwqRxxYMkECNrAFdUUzUULdJQcKBtgO43j1zj9xE06D-6eNq4IJcEezwfssgLJ838txYmL6Ef7sh5fcxYyJqGdtO6/s400/chapter+24.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>I</b></span> could’ve sworn that clock was there on the wall one day
and a couple days later I look up and it’s not there. It was<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD’s</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and I didn’t miss it.
But I could have sworn it was there. Maybe I was remembering it being there
from before I left. Maybe not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD had assured me he’d returned his key to our landlord and
the Shafik’s had confirmed this. Still, there were little, subtle things. We
had this snow globe with a picture of the three of us, me and BD holding the
baby on one side, and the baby laughing by himself on the other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I didn’t like the “family”
picture. We looked so happy, smiling, loving, in that picture and I felt like
such a fraud. That’s not at all how we were. The snow globe sat on the dresser
in the bedroom. I'd turned it around, so that the baby’s picture was facing
out. The next day, I’d find it turned back around, the family picture facing
out. I turned it around again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I knew it! You’re turning our picture around on purpose. I
left it like this,” BD said illustrating the way he’d positioned the photo. “I
wasn’t sure, but now I know you’re doing it on purpose.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had pretended like I didn’t know what he was talking
about. But this night, when I returned home from work with the baby, to my now
empty apartment, the snow globe was not the way I left it. I wouldn’t have left
it like that, I don’t even like looking at that picture.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I got the locks changed the next day, a whole week in and I
was just now doing something that shoulda been done from day one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was so terribly naive. I thought this could work with us
living apart and co-parenting together. BD seeing the baby whenever he wants,
picking him up, dropping him off, cooperating like reasonable adults, all that.
Even after all the drama, that’s really what I wanted. It was not to be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The harassment began almost immediately. Angry phone calls
and voice mails throughout the day, texts in the middle of the night demanding
in capital letters, “WHERE IS MY SON!?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes if I couldn’t get a parking space out front, I’d
have to walk a block to my building. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Each night I had to do this, I expected to
receive nonstop demands of my and the baby's whereabouts. It never failed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I kept the drapes closed tight, but on occasion, during one
of his call-call-and-call-again blackouts, I’d peer out of them, to see him
standing across the street, looking up at the window for lights or movement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His behavior had become more and more erratic. The day after
a night of calls and crazy voice mails, I’d get apologetic ones.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Where did we go wrong,<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Mel</span></strong>?” He’d ask in this pitiful, sorrowful
voice. Almost sincere. “I just want my family back,” he’d say. “Why
does it have to be like this?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He even suggested counseling. I was outdone. Counseling?
That’s for people who want to work on their relationship. What I wanted was
out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On days when his temper was more even, he'd call and ask to
pick up the baby. (He hated to have to ask me). And I'd pack our son's things
and get him ready to go with his father. After taking him, BD would wait with
the baby for a good 15 minutes in the foyer of the building, pretending that he
was waiting on the bus. The bus stop was right outside and he didn't know that
I knew that he lived right next door. I didn't correct him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I thought getting him out of the apartment would solve our
problems, but I was realizing that if I was to have any peace at all, I needed
to get as far away from BD as possible. The mounting bills I was now footing
alone were just an extra push.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whatever I was gonna do, it had to be done quickly and
quietly, keeping an ear out for footsteps in the hallway and intermittently
stealing peaks through the peephole of the front door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I just knew it was only a matter of time before I’d catch
him standing outside the door in the hallway or something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And one night, he was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Originally posted on
March 19, 2008 </i></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-86942834138633953012012-08-08T09:05:00.001-07:002012-08-08T09:05:17.043-07:0023.Walking Back into a Well-Laid Trap<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSkv2ofnTo9bK7zkFD-LMrlm58QFqS_nEEP8GhzZcI2W4NebKInZFOv0HbinLoKKoTtEpKhCzm2Qf8-mJwKfilm7MwiobYF2JPgrPhImB_nnPzvF5x9Z8iEmRxLERkD-dcTU0VKpNBxW3i/s1600/chapter+22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSkv2ofnTo9bK7zkFD-LMrlm58QFqS_nEEP8GhzZcI2W4NebKInZFOv0HbinLoKKoTtEpKhCzm2Qf8-mJwKfilm7MwiobYF2JPgrPhImB_nnPzvF5x9Z8iEmRxLERkD-dcTU0VKpNBxW3i/s400/chapter+22.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">A</span></b>gainst all wise counsel, I flew back to New Jersey that
Sunday night. I did not want to go home and stay forever. I’d needed to get
away, but I didn't want to retreat, to come back after leaving for the bright
lights and big city, head hung low, with child, alone. I did not want to leave
my job and I wanted to make a life for myself. That's why I'd moved out here in
the first place. Besides, women did this every day, right? Why couldn't I live
in New Jersey and raise my child with the assistance of his father with some
kind of reasonable visitation plan? What was wrong with that? And as long as<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD </span></strong>had
vacated the apartment, we shouldn't have a problem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD had assured me that he'd moved out and I believed him. He
knew I wasn’t bringing our son back unless he had gone and I trusted that he
wouldn’t chance it. Meanwhile, I was leaving all too much to chance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As soon as I stepped into the apartment, I began scanning
the room quickly for anything that might have been broken or missing. I looked
for doors kicked off hinges, holes punched into the wall. I think I expected to
see my bed consumed with fire damage or my clothes water logged.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The place was immaculate. Clean, neat, though empty looking
without most of BD’s stuff. He even left a few things I didn’t help pay for. I
guess they were too heavy for him to haul out with such short notice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There was a vase of flowers on the table in the kitchen
along with a type written note from BD saying that he’d moved out upon my
request on such-and-such date, yadda yadda, and it was signed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Perfect. Everything was going to be fine. I told everyone
everything was going to be fine. BD was gone and I had my baby. Tomorrow I’d
call him and let him know we’d made it back safely and he could pick the baby
up form daycare and give him dinner if he wanted.<br />
<br />
<i>Sidebar: This is exactly how far in
denial I still was. Even after seemingly escaping, I was still trying to deal
with this man like he was a reasonable person. Like he was really gonna be ok
with picking up his son from daycare, spending a couple of hours with him and
meeting me somewhere to give him back. I think I might have been going a little
crazy at this point myself, because in hindsight that whole idea was just
damned. And not only that, but he had done nothing that should have lead me to
believe our co-parenting would ever work. I'm still kicking myself about this.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That night, I lay in bed with the light on. It was my
apartment first and it felt good to be back in it, but there was something
eerie about it now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The memories. Every corner reminded me of something. But one
look at my baby boy pushed all thoughts of darkness out of my head. I must have
looked over at him sleeping next to me a million times and just kissed his
cheeks and thanked God over and over and over again. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With a wide smile on my face I made a mental grocery list,
whispering the items I’d fill my cart with like I was counting sheep. (Yes, it
was </span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">that </i><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">big a deal). Ground beef,
catfish and fish fry, chicken wings, ooh, I’ll pick up some fresh Parmesan and
some cream (I make a mean from-scratch Alfredo sauce), shrimp, -- I was super
excited about the sausage I was gonna pick up -- steaks --</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The phone rang and broke my train of thought.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I reached over to pick it up before it woke the baby.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hello,” I said
sleepily. I didn’t wanna talk to anybody. I just
wanted to bask in the freedom of my own bed in my own apartment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Melyssa</span></strong>,
you’re home,” said an excited, heavily
accented voice on the other end.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Mrs.
Shafik</span></strong>. She and her husband were my landlords. They were an old
Egyptian couple.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The night I’d come to look at the place, I ended up having
tea with them and chatting in their living room for close to an hour. I told
them I wanted the apartment and they handed over the keys. No credit check,
nothing. Even accepted a personal, out of state check and agreed to charge me
an extra $100 a month on the rent toward the security deposit rather than
making me pay the whole thing up front. No one else anywhere would have done
that. Grocery stores don’t even take out of state checks. The Shafiks said I
had a sweet spirit. Beautiful people. During my tenancy, they’d invite me up to
their place for dinner or call me and check on me because they knew I wasn’t
from the area. They’d sort of adopted me. They had a daughter my age who was in
school overseas and they’d always tell me how much I reminded them of her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“We got in just a few hours ago,” I
said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh wonderful, I’m glad you made it back safely. I saw your
car out front.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Yeah I had to park it at the airport for the week.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh, did you have to walk far?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“We were running so late, I just put it in short term. $45 a
day,” I said painfully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh my, you left too late,”
she said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It wasn’t that I’d been late, I’d just been scared. Didn’t
feel like explaining that tho.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Yeah,” I said,
rounding out the small talk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Well, how are things?”
Mrs. Shafik asked nervously.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hadn’t talked to them directly about my fall out with BD.
I’d only told them that he was moving out. My name was the only one on the
lease though, so even that information hadn’t been necessary. I’d just felt the
need to say something. The whole building knew 12 uniformed officers had shown
up at our door a week before. One of my landlords’ sons was in the hallway when
the cops arrived and it didn’t take long for several other tenants to gather.
The trouble that had been was no longer a secret.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Well, I just wanted you to know, I mean,” she stammered,” Do you
know where BD is living now?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I have no idea, Mrs. Shafik,” I
said. Nor did I care. “I imagine he’s staying in Irving with his cousins. The closest family he
has outside of them is in New York.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh dear,” she said. “He didn’t tell you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I told you she didn’t know,”
Mr. Shafik said in a gruff voice form the background.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They always called me in tandem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“He took a studio over in the next building. 8402,” she said finally.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My address was 8404. When I say the man had moved in right
next door, I mean that literally. This really happened. Unbelievable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Unbelievable,” I said. I
didn’t have any other words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Melyssa, you know we love you, and we’d hate to lose you as
a tenant, but we understand if you can’t stay. Just let us know as soon as
possible if you feel like you need to find another place.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don’t even remember how I ended the conversation. I was in
such shock. The illuminated lamp on the dresser that had made me feel safe was
now casting shadows. I flipped the switch and the room darkened. Not dark
enough. I drew the curtains tighter to block out the moonlight. I did the same
in the living room and the computer room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first thing I’d loved about this apartment was the huge
windows, the southern exposure and the light that pours in at the first strike
of day. The kind of light that makes you want to get up on a Saturday morning
and clean. (Or is that just me? That’s what we used to do at my house when we
were kids. Saturday mornings were for vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, laundry,
cleaning our week-long neglected rooms and yard work. Saturday nights were
pizza and movie nights. Good times).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, I’d learn to love the dimness of 60 watt bulbs soon
enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<br />
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 18, 2008</span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-75214040287554905312012-08-08T09:01:00.001-07:002012-08-08T09:01:17.583-07:0022. He Calls the Cops, I Catch a Flight<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu0tMFPngZZLPwSrJWsv1ok6XXmFuLRlsNIiAB8tetR80XPlnhjYvRzpcuoVl_Hg5fpKYfEHCa9h-QI1QpY5r0V3PMJjf7SXI_ATZ0KwE91IFDkrF0JfPRDqxSmhjyLUntG_O1zajUXbd7/s1600/chapter+21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu0tMFPngZZLPwSrJWsv1ok6XXmFuLRlsNIiAB8tetR80XPlnhjYvRzpcuoVl_Hg5fpKYfEHCa9h-QI1QpY5r0V3PMJjf7SXI_ATZ0KwE91IFDkrF0JfPRDqxSmhjyLUntG_O1zajUXbd7/s640/chapter+21.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">I</span></b> hid out at the hotel with<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Laryssa</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Kya</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>all day the next day and
night. That Monday morning after dropping them off at the airport I raced to
put in motion the steps we’d gone over for the last 32 hours. First, I called<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD’s</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>school and made sure he
was at work, then I went back to the apartment and packed a couple of suitcases
for me and the baby, picked up his stroller, made some bottles and grabbed some
personal papers. Then, I hit the bank and withdrew some money for our trip and
on the way to the airport, I called my job to explain why I wouldn’t be coming
in that day or the rest of the week. I was vague, but it was a humbling phone
call. I absolutely hate drama and respect that other people don’t necessarily
have a sincere interest in mine, especially if it means you can’t come to work.
But my boss was understanding and chalked it up to vacation time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No sooner than I’d hung up with my employer was BD calling
me. He’d already called the daycare and our son had not yet been dropped off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Where’s my son?” He
demanded without greeting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“He’s with me,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was caught off guard. I shouldn’t have been. Of course he
would be calling. He knew my sister had checked out this morning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Where is my son?” He
demanded again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My mind was a million places and I couldn’t even get it
together enough to lie. So I didn’t.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m going home,” I said.
And as he immediately interjected enraged, I added “It’s only for a week. I need to get away. I can’t keep doing this with you BD.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“When are you coming back?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’ll be back in a week,” I
said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You can’t take my son,” he
said yelling again. “I’ll
report you for kidnapping! You’ll be
arrested.” And he hung up the phone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was entering the airport and hadn’t been paying attention
to the signs. I missed the exit for long-term parking and headed into short-term.
It would cost a mint, but I had no doubt that BD was on the phone with the
police at that very moment. I had to get out of there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anything that could have gone wrong did. The baby awoke
squealing and flailing his arms in the back seat. He was hungry. There were no
parking spaces anywhere. I felt like I was driving in circles, in a maze. It
was cold, the suitcases were heavy, the baby in his car seat was heavy, the
stroller was odd shaped and difficult to carry and “Shyt, did I put the money
in my purse? Where <i>is</i> my purse?” I
leaned back in the care to rummage through the back seat and found my bag under
the passenger seat, buzzing as my phone rang inside it. BD.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“The police are coming for you,” he
screamed into the phone as soon as I picked up. “You won’t get on the plane.
You are breaking the law and you can’t leave the state with my son --“<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hung up, shaken, but undeterred.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Running my hand through my purse, I found the wad of
hundreds stuffed into the side pocket. I’d been on auto-pilot. I had no
recollection of even putting the cash there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nor can I tell you how me, the baby in his car seat, the
stroller, two suitcases (one on wheels, and my purse walked that half mile trek
to the airport entrance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A security car drove by as we were struggling through the
parking lot and slowed just a few feet past us in front of my Camry. My heart
quickened as I imagined he was matching my plates up with some Amber alert or
something. And my feet moved faster below me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d called the night before to check flight times and
arrived with two hours to spare, but I was wishing I’d waited. Once I checked
in, two hours would be plenty of time for my name and social security number to
pass through the powers that be, before an officer dispatched to find a 5’4
black woman, shoulder length hair and her infant son at such-and-such gate
would appear standing over me, summoning me to come with him. I was petrified
with a fear that under any other circumstances would have rendered me immobile.
I am convinced I was moving through a power outside of me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The line at the ticket counter was long and winding. I
waited, tapped my feet and moved slowly through it as each person before me was
waited on before jetting off to their respective destinations. I didn’t even
have a ticket. I did not know if there would be room on the flight. I did not
know how long it would be before the next flight if there was not room. I was
not unconvinced that BD would show up within an hour’s time to retrieve me
himself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I shelled out a little over $500 for a seat on that flight,
fumbling with my wallet as the lady behind the counter held my ID for what I
thought to be an unusually long amount of time, wrinkling her face and typing
into her computer with one finger. She put the ID down and as I reached clumsily
for it, she picked it up again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What’s the baby’s name?”
She asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am a horrible liar on my feet. I just can’t do it. I told
her the truth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“And his last name?” And again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She put my ID down on the counter again and went to pecking
at her keypad. I imagined there was a little red button under the counter that
silently summons security, like bank tellers have in case of a robbery.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“How many bags?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I checked my bags and stroller, grabbed the handle of my
baby’s car seat and set off for security.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We were "special selected" for a more extensive
search. A man pulled us out of line and took us to the side where my baby was
wanded and I was patted down, both barefoot. My son had taken his father's
Muslim last name and for all BD's crazy paranoia, security checks at the
airport is one thing he did not lie about. We get "special selected"
every flight, never fails. I've flown with my baby many times since this and
when I say every time, I mean without exception.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This time though, my heart was pounding out of my chest. It
was hard for me to believe I was the only one who could hear it. My palms were
sweaty and the more I tried to act normal, the more I was convinced these
people were gonna think I had a bomb. It seemed like hours before I was finally
released to gather up my things again, put the baby's coat and shoes back on,
strap him back into his seat, slide into my sneakers and take off for our gate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I approached the gate slowly, ducking behind a large display
case and scanning the seating area for anybody who might look like they were
looking for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A lone stewardess stood at the door, right there where you
give up your ticket to enter the ramp leading to the plane. I don’t know what
made me approach her, but I came out from behind the display case and went
right for her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Are you on the flight to Michigan?”
she asked when I came within a few feet of her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Yes,” I said, out of breath. “The 2:45 flight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Lemme see your ticket.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I handed it to her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Dyou wanna go early? The 12:15 is leaving right now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Divine intervention. I wanted to cry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And when we landed, I did. Buckets. It was so good to be
home. It was so good to be safe. It was soooo good to be sane. (It is possible
to say something to other people so many times that you begin to believe it yourself.
It’s not a clinical definition, but I believe this is the beginning of
insanity).<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
I was feeling like myself again, like I had it all together. I called BD to
face the inevitable and told him that I would be back in a week, as promised.
But I would only return if he moved out of the apartment. I was not coming back
to him. He was eerily calm. That should have been a red flag.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My family, my friends, even a lawyer tried to convince me to
stay home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“If you are going to move back (home), now is the time. File
a restraining order and don’t go back to New Jersey,”
the attorney had said. Free advice. He was a friend of the fam. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wasn’t hearing it. I’d snagged a dream job a few months
prior writing for a music magazine and I didn’t want to give it up. And with BD
gone, I just wanted to live my life, raise my son and share him with his dad
like more than half the parents in this country. I’d finally given up on the
whole “I must be with my child’s father at all costs”</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
madness and now I just wanted to live. But my false confidence, just that
quickly, caused me to forget the lunacy that I</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">’</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">d
left. I was underestimating the enemy already.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d been on an emotional high. Being home, having my family
with me, finally being able to be honest (or at least <i>more </i>honest with them) and leaving BD at long last made me feel
stronger than I’d felt in a long time. I had no idea how quickly I’d be
deflated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<br />
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 17, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-16270159935661374782012-08-08T08:56:00.004-07:002012-08-08T08:57:34.109-07:0021. Locked In, Wanting Out<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuCFg1BqTlZa8gqFx-tcd6zRlvnoR8mrB_Tp2yuu0heHF0-GQBgF1Rpm1sBu1MWZTcFv1dgf5q__B2GRnXGYM_X2FbWd40If29NH6GeVtcGO-Ucpz7C58IY5pxyN6dz5kpryZg3EOnE7Cq/s1600/chapter+20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuCFg1BqTlZa8gqFx-tcd6zRlvnoR8mrB_Tp2yuu0heHF0-GQBgF1Rpm1sBu1MWZTcFv1dgf5q__B2GRnXGYM_X2FbWd40If29NH6GeVtcGO-Ucpz7C58IY5pxyN6dz5kpryZg3EOnE7Cq/s640/chapter+20.jpg" width="488" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>L</b></span>ooking back, some of the biggest arguments with<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>were centered around my
family. He’d always said he found my mother to be nosy, my older sister to be
too protective and my younger sister too needy. I talked on the phone with the
little one at least twice a day, sometimes several.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know now though, that what really worried him was being
found out. And that after finding out the person he really was, he knew my
support system would swiftly whisk me away. His fear wasn’t far-fetched. My
mother had read him the first day she met him and he knew it. My older sister<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Ayana</span></strong>'s
opinion was formed shortly after, and<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Laryssa</span></strong>,
my younger sister, even before she’d seen elements of BD’s obsessive need for
control with her own eyes, told my mother: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Something’s not right about him.” She wouldn’t share
this thought with me though, until the night I’d finally leave.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That night, Laryssa had come to town with her college
roommate<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Kya</span></strong>.
Seniors at a state school, the two had planned to split their four-day weekend
between partying in New York City and down time with me and the baby.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was not going to have<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><b><u><a href="http://blogs.sohh.com/confessions/2008/03/the_first_time_but_he_didnt_hi.html"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">a repeat of last time’s events</span></a></u></b><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>-- as if an out of
control person can be controlled. This time, I put them up in a hotel from the
first night.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On Saturday, we were going to spend the day in the city. It
was a little chilly to have the baby out for that amount of time, so BD came by
the hotel to pick him up. He pulled up in front. As I was strapping the little
man into his car seat, he offered to drop us off at the train station.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It’s right around the corner, why don’t I just drive you to
the PATH?” He said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sounded good.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I slid in the backseat and called Laryssa’s cell telling
them to come down and to bring my purse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She and<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Kya</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>walked out of the front
entrance a few minutes later when I noticed Kya approaching the car with a
bottle in her hand. She stopped and placed it on the curb before getting in the
back seat. I shot her a silent look of alarm and she shrugged her shoulders as
if to say she didn’t know what I was talking about. I just hoped BD didn’t see
it. Maybe he wouldn’t recognize it as beer anyway. It’s not like he’s ever
around the stuff. I knew the green bottle was a Rolling Rock as soon as I saw
it but it could have been a soda or an energy drink - right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We pulled up at the train station. Everybody thanked BD for
the ride. I kissed the baby and we got out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“We’ll probably be out until evening I said. Maybe 8ish,” I told BD through the window before taking off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We spent the day browsing through knock-off bags, looking up
like tourists as we walked down the bustling streets (New Yorkers never look
up), and taking impromptu prison pose pictures in front of anything even
loosely deemed to be a marker of our local. The Empire State Building, a street
sign, anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We were tired and hungry when we finally got back to the
hotel. It was Saturday night, so this would really be our last time together.
Sunday night I’d put the baby to bed on time and turn in myself, getting ready
for work Monday morning. The girls also flew out Monday morning, so this was
it. Larissa had asked me earlier to stay the night and I told her I would. We’d
order pizza and watch cable and play with the baby in the room all night.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I called BD and asked him to pick me up from the hotel. I
wanted to get an overnight bag for the baby and to stay the night at the hotel.
He flat out refused and I knew why.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I don’t want my son around evil spirits,” he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh my God. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“BD, are you serious? She had one beer, way earlier this
afternoon. Nobody’s drinking over here. Nobody’s drunk over here, there’s not
even any alcohol in the room,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What kind of person drinks beer in the middle of the
afternoon anyway? I don’t want my son around people like that,” he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It’s Saturday, first of all, they’re on vacation and they’re
college kids. So what? I’m here. I’m not gonna let anything happen to our baby.”<br />
<br />
“It doesn’t
matter if no one is drinking right now or how long ago it was. It’s a spiritual thing. It’s
about the evil spirits that alcohol brings. I don’t
want my son in that environment.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For close to an hour on the phone while holed up in the
second bedroom of their suite, I tried to argue logic against insanity - an
insane prospect in itself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I did not want my sister or her friend to hear the ridiculousness
of the issue at hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I finally came out of the room, off the phone, they
could read it on my face. Not to mention the walls were thin.<br />
<br />
“Melyssa, is it all my fault? I’m so sorry. I knew I should’ve left that beer
in the room,” Kya began.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Whatever,” Laryssa
interjected insolently. “You are a grown woman and if you
wanna have a fucking beer on the sidewalk it ought not be his concern. Ugh!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She looked at me now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What’re you gonna do?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What <i>was</i> I gonna
do?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Laryssa and I had been so close. She was so disappointed
with me, not when<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><a href="http://blogs.sohh.com/confessions/2008/03/making_believe_and_losing_myse.html"><b><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">I
announced my pregnancy at Thanksgiving</span></b></a>, but when I told the
family BD and I were moving in together and trying to make a go of things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She told me then it was a stupid idea destined for failure.
She was angry with me because I tried to feed her the same spiel I’d given my
mother about being in love and getting married and yadda yadda. It was bullshit
and she knew it from the first time I said it. She was insulted because I’d
lied to her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Telling my mother what I think I need to tell her is one
thing, but Laryssa and I, though a few years apart were pretty much peers. What
she hadn’t understood is that I <i>had</i>
to lie to her. I was lying to myself. She’d stopped speaking to me for a while
after that. We never really had a falling out over it, she just stopped
calling. So it was a big deal to me that she reached out and wanted to come
visit. And I wanted us to have some more time together. I wanted her to bond
with her nephew and I wanted us to wake up together. It was just one night.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m gonna go get him,” I
said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“How’re you gonna do that,”
Laryssa questioned expressionless. I told you, she knows bullshyt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m just gonna go get him. I’ll be back.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I got in a cab outside the hotel room and rode the short 20
blocks up the street to the apartment. It was literally right up the street.
Straight shot. I could not understand what BD’s problem was. I also did not
understand what I was about to get myself into.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My stomach was in knots. I was nervous and I was worried and
I was having second thoughts about going up against BD tonight. As the cab
pulled up across the street, I called my mother.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hey, Ma,” I said.
Before she could even answer I just spewed out everything. I never complained
to my mother about my relationship with BD. I knew how she felt about him and I
didn’t want to feed it. I had not been ready to leave and I did not want to
hear it. So I quickly brought her up to speed in one breathless sentence ending
in --<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m right outside in a cab/ I’m about to go up now/ There’s
no way he’s gonna let me just take the baby/ I don’t know what’s gonna happen/
I don’t know what I’m walking into/ I just want you to know.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My mother was a master organizer. She could put a group
together, draw up a plan, delegate duties and have that shyt executed in under
five. She spoke competently and quickly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Melyssa, that is your child. You bore that child. You go
get your son. Be careful and be brief. I’ll call you in 15 minutes. Answer the
phone. If you don’t answer the phone, I’ll call you again. I don’t care what
happens, you answer your phone or I’m calling the police.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She said a short prayer for my protection. I paid the driver
and got out of the car.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I got to the door my key wouldn’t work. BD had put the
bolt on. I knocked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He answered the door in the dark, cradling our sleeping baby
still outfitted in his snow suit. They’d just gotten in a few minutes ago. I
had no idea how this was gonna work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We began in the living room, sitting on the sofa talking
about our different positions. I’d taken off my jacket and put my bag down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You’re being ridiculous,” I
said. “Why don’t
you call Allen and ask him? Call your mother, call somebody reasonable and get
a second opinion.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD has this unchangeable tunnel vision. When he locks onto
something it’s as if he is unable to change his mind. He cannot be enlightened.
Sometimes, when he’d get like this, we’d call up his mother and she could talk
some sense into him. Or his normal friend Allen who I respected, or his cousin.
This time, BD said no.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The argument escalated and we, for some reason, moved into
the bedroom. I don’t remember why.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The baby was lying on the bed now, still in his snow suit.
At some point, I picked him up and made a quick reach for my car keys sitting
on the shelf in BD’s open closet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He quickly cut me off with his arm, but I was able to snatch
the keys before he knocked me backwards, back onto the bed. I immediately got
up and moved toward the bedroom door that BD positioned himself in front of.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I laid the baby, still asleep thank God, back on the bed and
took position at the door. I was so tired of being controlled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My phone began ringing off the hook from the living room as
we struggled at the door. My mother’s ringer, then my sister’s ringer, then my
mother’s again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I kneed him, I scratched him, I bit him, I clawed at his
eyes, but for a skinny dude -- about 180 soaking wet -- BD was pretty strong.
He held his stance and I could not wrestle him away from the door. Then his
phone began ringing now, over and over again. It was my family calling him. Who
knows what they were thinking was going on. They were scared. I was scared. But
I was also determined.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I fought hard. I exhausted myself. I knocked over a
nightstand, a glider, broke a lamp ... he knocked me down each time and I came
back each time. He’d never seen this from me and it had been a long time since
I had. He wrapped one hand around my throat and pulled his fist back with the
other and I flinched instinctively, cowering with my hands covering my face. A
twisted smile spread across his and he said, “See, you’re not that tough,” before releasing me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I picked the baby up off the bed and went for the door
again. He wrapped his arms around the baby’s waist and tried to take him from
me, squeezing. He woke up wrinkling his face and I let go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD took him, cradled him, whispered to him, comforted him
and rocked him as he walked away from the bedroom door, freeing me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You can do what you want, but you won’t take my son,” he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I rushed out of the bedroom, grabbed my phone and began
calling the police. BD did the same on his phone and he got the 911 operator
first. He told the 911 operator I was trying to kidnap our son. This would not
be his last allegation of kidnapping.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Simultaneously, both standing in the living room, I was
reporting domestic abuse. I was not leaving my son.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Seconds later, in a blur of red and blue lights, 12 officers
arrived at the door. I told them I just wanted to go. I didn’t want to press
charges. I didn’t want anyone arrested, I just wanted the opportunity to gather
my things and get out of the house with my son.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD protested, telling the group of officers that he was this
child’s father and “Don’t I have any rights!?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Take it up with family court,”
one cop told him. “If I have to make the decision
tonight, I’m letting the child go with the
mother.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Why? How can you just make that judgment?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Look we got about four calls to us tonight (me, BD, my
mother and my sister) we’re here now, and it’s my job to settle the situation.
That’s my decision. A judge might tell you different, but tonight, I feel the
child will be best served with his mother.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was pouring outside. I picked Laryssa up about 10 blocks
away from the apartment. She’d put on her boots and her coat and started hiking
to me in the downpour with her roommate in tow. I was so glad she hadn’t made
it. My sister is kinda gangster. They got in the car soaking wet and we went
back to the hotel.<br />
<br />
I would never share a roof with BD another day in my life. But it was not the
end. Actually, our fight was only just beginning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"><br clear="all" style="mso-special-character: line-break; page-break-before: always;" />
</span>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p> </o:p><span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Originally
posted on March 14, 2008</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-85408828122281055602012-08-08T08:50:00.000-07:002012-08-08T08:50:09.906-07:0020. Hiding the Truth<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTw1C1Ye8OHsb54EmEkNCvbrZVY11PYNj4XoXFrbmjCBjyAh2srdr5eAMoC7awoiyFhTbUmJBSFuh0Vws1RrYk3RRqCgpUFBd2p4apLta20KPBwE6u8oEJxW2vVAjEaEmmV-8lEV-DlMJD/s1600/chapter+19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTw1C1Ye8OHsb54EmEkNCvbrZVY11PYNj4XoXFrbmjCBjyAh2srdr5eAMoC7awoiyFhTbUmJBSFuh0Vws1RrYk3RRqCgpUFBd2p4apLta20KPBwE6u8oEJxW2vVAjEaEmmV-8lEV-DlMJD/s400/chapter+19.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>I</b></span>
stopped by the mirror in the bathroom on the way out to let<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Shay</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Mike</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></b></span>up. Not so bad. It wasn’t that
obvious, I thought after a quick scan for damage. It was dark in our apartment,
though. All the lights were out. I stepped out into the hallway and my eyes
took a couple of seconds to adjust. I practiced covering my mouth with my hand
as I walked down the stairs, in a yawn. No that would only draw attention. I
got downstairs and walked to the door as naturally as I could without looking
head on, positioning myself so that my profile would hide the busted lip on the
left side of my face.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
could see Shay and Mike standing at the glass doors. I opened them and before
they even stepped in, I saw the look on Shay’s face. Mike’s mouth dropped.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What
happened?”She
said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“We
got into it,”I
admitted, adding nervously, “he
didn’t hit me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“He
didn’t <i>hit</i> you?” My sister looked at me
incredulously. “You
sure about that?”She
fingered the swell on my lip.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Shay,” I locked eyes with her
convincingly, “You
think I’m
bout to let a man hit on me?”
The irony.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I
tried to push him and hit one of those big closets up there,” I continued. There had been
pushing and shoving.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It’s
over now, everybody’s calmed down, but ... I hate to ask this, it’s just ...
been so crazy with us lately.”
I stammered nervously.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What?” Shay hurried me along.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Can
you guys stay at a hotel tonight? I’m so sorry to even ask. I just really think
it’ll be more comfortable for everybody.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Yeah,
if you come with us,”
Shay retorted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No, I
can’t do that,”
I began.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It
wouldn’t be any trouble. Bring the baby,”
Mike added.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No,
that would just make things worse. I need to stay here tonight,” I said. “He’d never let me take the baby
with me, anyway. Not now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I don’t
feel good about this, Mel. I know he’s not gonna try shyt with Mike here. Just
let us stay tonight and we’ll get you out of here in the morning when he goes
to work,”
Shay said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All of
the sudden we were hatching plans of escape. The hallway was bare with a high
ceiling. It resounded in unforgiving echoes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Shay,
really, it’s not that bad. It was an accident and it’s over now. We gotta get
out of this hallway, my neighbors can hear everything.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d
left the door to the apartment cracked. We walked in and I did not turn the
lights on. I stood in the living room with Mike as Shay went to the bedroom to
gather her things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
later told me she and<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>had this exchange:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hey,
BD. Can I turn the light on?”
she’d
asked entering the bedroom. The door had not been closed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD was
rocking the baby in the glider, facing the open doorway leading to the living
room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’d
rather you not,”
he said flatly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Well
it’s dark and I can’t really see,”
Shay said reaching for the switch. The room brightened.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
took a few minutes getting her things together quickly from my closet on the
wall right next to BD. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
with her bag in hand looked at him and said, “Well good night. We’re going to a
hotel.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He
hadn’t said a word, short of asking her not to turn the lights on.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br />
---<br /><br />
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shay rushed out into the living room with a twisted face.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“He is
weird,”
she mouthed exaggeratedly in a whisper. What is wrong with him? Why is he
acting like that?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
front door was already open. I put my hand on her back and softly pushed her
over the threshold. Mike went after.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Mel,” she said one last time. She
was asking me again to go with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It’s
okay,”
I said, this time forcing a half smile that I’d hoped would make her
comfortable enough to just go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That
night, I lay in bed with the baby spread eagle lying asleep in between me and
BD. We'd taken to sleeping like this. The baby between us kept me from having
to brush up against him at night and it kept him from brushing up against me.
The thought of him touching me made me cringe. We hadn't been romantic since
near the time I found out I was pregnant and the baby was almost eight months
old now. That's a long time. His advances had become less frequent but I was no
less disgusted at the thought.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes,
I'd sleep on the futon in the living room just to get away. He forbade me from
taking the baby with me, though. I don't think he was really scared I'd
actually tiptoe off in the night. I think he just wanted to make his position
very clear about the difference between my leaving and my leaving with my son.
Though one may have been inevitable, the other was an impossibility.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That
night though, as I lay awake thinking about how quickly this weekend had
deteriorated, I still hadn't made up my mind to go. The inevitable, though, was
fast approaching.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
For all my attempts to rush Mike and Shay upstairs into the darkness, I had no
idea how thankful I’d be for those couple of minutes when not one, but two
people had seen me, disheveled and bruised just moments after one of BD’s black-outs.
That night, under the harsh florescent light in our building’s foyer would be
the only evidence, ever, to back the claims I’d later officially make of
emotional and physical abuse. I wouldn’t know the importance of that day until
almost a year later. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As it
appeared that things were falling apart, they were really lining up into place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Originally posted March 13, 2008</span></i></span></span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-44260052742606256052012-08-08T08:45:00.001-07:002012-08-08T08:45:32.172-07:0019. The First Time: 'But he didn't hit me'<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcPHo4yCV1JgswPc8UvZhY-FtVyq2WC4AnScxeSlf3fEdA1UoDzpHT6hE7U9oTBG9ZhY-EJr9UePuJ0OYHKDnZuaTnAWDbRcOTukBxJb0EDoq_2K4EL6xiRC1TupCN9rG4AlXP8b5juvOD/s1600/chapter+18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcPHo4yCV1JgswPc8UvZhY-FtVyq2WC4AnScxeSlf3fEdA1UoDzpHT6hE7U9oTBG9ZhY-EJr9UePuJ0OYHKDnZuaTnAWDbRcOTukBxJb0EDoq_2K4EL6xiRC1TupCN9rG4AlXP8b5juvOD/s400/chapter+18.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">I</span></span><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>hate
arguing in front of company. It’s so rude and inappropriate, right? It makes
everybody uncomfortable, especially the guests. What’s almost just as bad
though is silently feuding in front of people. You know how everybody can feel
the tension, but nobody’s talking about it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So my older sister came to visit me and the baby. She lives
down south and had only seen him once since he was born so I was really excited
about her coming up. Her scheduled arrival just happened to be in the middle of
World War III at the house. In all honesty, I don’t even remember what we were
arguing about -- Could have been one or a few of so many things -- but I
remember the fall out like it was yesterday.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was early evening when<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Shay</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and her fianc<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">é</span> <strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Mike</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>(surprise!) got in. We
sat around the apartment and caught up for a couple of hours before deciding to
go out to dinner.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>had the car seat in the
car so I called him and asked him to drop off the carrier. He was still angry
from before and basically refused.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“BD are you serious? My sister and her fiancé are here and I
can’t leave without the car seat. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We’re trying to go to the Olive Garden.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“My son’s not going to the Olive Garden!” He snapped before hanging up the phone. Madness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Quick ironic sidebar
here: I actually met him at the Olive Garden.</i><span class="apple-converted-space"><i><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></i></span><strong><i><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Serita</span></i></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><i><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></i></span><i>and I doubled; it was my first date with
Digital and her first date with BD. Thinking back though, he didn’t eat
anything. Just sat and drank lemonade and chatted. I guess over the years he’d
become more staunch in his beliefs and not only would he now not eat in a restaurant
that served pork, but he wouldn’t sit in one either.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d exited the living room with the fam and closed the
bedroom to call BD. Shay poked her head in after a few minutes. It was apparent
there was a problem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Don’t tell me he’s not bringing the car seat back,” She said knowingly. “In <em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">your
</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>car.
Please don’t tell me that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I dunno, he’s being a real jackass right now. He’s talking
about he can’t get away,”I lied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD sometimes worked little stage hand jobs on the weekends.
It’s as close as he’d come in recent years to his dreams of a career in the
entertainment industry. Actually, I don’t even think he was working that night.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They sat around with me and the baby, seeming to be
entertained for a couple more hours before finally giving up on BD’s return and
heading out for food themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“We’ll bring you something back, sis,” Shay said apologetically on their way out. She was trying to
make the best, but it was already palpably awkward and it was going to be a
long weekend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD didn’t come home that night. A first. I had no idea where
he was or who he was with or what he was doing or why he hadn’t come back or at
least brought my car back. He’d turned his phone off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next morning, he called my phone back to back, demanding
that I open the door so he could shower, change and go to work. I was outdone.
He insisted he’d slept in the car right out front last night, not wanting to
come in because my sister and her fiancé were there. I was incensed. Here I was,
covering for his asinine behavior all night, assuring my company every hour on
the hour, “Oh he’ll be back. He doesn’t<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">not</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>come home ...” in an attempt to make our crazy situation look halfway normal,
and he goes and actually doesn’t show up. All night. And now what am I supposed
to say when I open the door and he strolls in to get his shyt together and
rolls out again? So I didn’t. The door was locked and latched and he wasn’t
getting in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fast forward to that evening ... </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Deja vu. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shay, her fiancé and I are again deciding
upon a restaurant to have dinner. This time I won’t ask, I’ll just go. And I’ve
decided, if BD doesn’t want the baby to go, he can stay home with him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That’s not exactly the way things played out. This time, as
it got later, I just asked Shay and Mike to leave.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You guys go ahead,” I
insisted, though they wanted to just order in. BD and I were gonna need some
privacy to hash this out and I was really at the end of my rope. I wanted him
to know it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They left and when BD arrived, I layed into him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Who the f*ck do you think you are to embarrass me in front
of my family!? I am so sick of your shyt!”
Yes, all that. I was feeling pretty froggy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I raged about his crazy need for power and lamented about my
suffocated spirit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He stood, seemingly unfazed, steely eyed and silent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I threatened to leave him. I threatened to take our son.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With those words, it was as if a switch had been flipped and
he pounced without warning,<br />
Reaching me from across the room in one leap, grabbing my hair behind my head
and ramming my face into the edge of a large stand-alone closet. It happened so
quickly. I had no time to react, no time to even cower or cover my face.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The baby was sleeping soundly on the bed and I immediately
went to him, when BD snatched him from under the sheet and held him to his
chest. He had made it resoundingly clear, I would never leave him and if I did,
it would be without my son.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My Treo chimed from the dresser. I’d told Shay to text me
from downstairs when they got back. The buzzer was broken and I’d have to go
down and open the door for them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I touched my mouth, feeling for damage and looked at the
blood on my fingers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I didn't hit you," BD said defensively.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was scared I'd run and tell my sister what he'd done.
Expose him. But I didn't want anyone to know any more than he did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 12, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-91065236008587465552012-08-08T08:37:00.001-07:002012-08-08T08:37:53.256-07:0018. Anywhere's Better than Here<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdxfQSL2OSC6McGqGzAF_WObDsfDHm2APLlaEUqv3ZWtuFOhsc_3VN_SrEBqSCOdY5hls_8Bessy21-NLPouQ0O_35VwkS0H7PXyejtX2vOfBhPyQ4a2a9QVlbb5l44QyJqfyrTnGeWFvG/s1600/maze.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdxfQSL2OSC6McGqGzAF_WObDsfDHm2APLlaEUqv3ZWtuFOhsc_3VN_SrEBqSCOdY5hls_8Bessy21-NLPouQ0O_35VwkS0H7PXyejtX2vOfBhPyQ4a2a9QVlbb5l44QyJqfyrTnGeWFvG/s400/maze.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>I</b></span> left<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Digital’s</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>wedding announcement on
the table for<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>to see when he got home.
I remembered that day, the last time I’d seen him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He said, “ The next time you hear from me, it’ll probably be
getting a wedding invitation in the mail.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Invitation?” I’d asked, reminding him that an invite was different from an
announcement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Well, yeah you’re right. An announcement then,” he said. Indeed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I couldn’t dwell. I had my own problems.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If I’d felt trapped before, my feelings of imprisonment were
only intensified after the birth of our son. I had no idea how women did this
every day. Get up, get yourself ready, get the baby ready, prepare bottles,
pack bags, load the baby and the bags into the car (this is a feat from a
three-story walk-up, in snow), drop the baby off, go to work, work, pick the
baby up, come home feed the baby, cook, eat, put the baby to sleep, go to sleep
and do it again the next morning. I was exhausted. How grocery shopping,
laundry, bank runs or anything else got done in between time with only one
person on the parenting clock was beyond me. I needed BD. But the price of
having him around was ever increasing. Our son added a whole new element of
control to our relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d thought having the baby around would mellow him out. You
can’t be so rigid and calculated when you may be pooped on any minute. You have
to smile when this tiny little person makes animal sounds in his sleep, and be
moved as he falls asleep in your arms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The entrance of our son had the opposite effect on BD, with
his behavior only becoming more erratic. He would sit in front of the
television each night, attempting to indoctrinate our child with rhetoric,
listening to an old Anthony Hilder vs. Khalid Muhammad debate on DVD (Youtube
it) over and over again. It hurt my heart to the core.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After taking maternity leave and returning back to work, I
asked him to bring the baby to my job so my coworkers could see him. They’d
been really good to us at a baby shower my department threw before I left, so I
thought it only appropriate. I really should have rethought it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD brought our little man in and the crowd quickly gathered,
oohing and ahhing the way people do around babies. But when the VP of the
company, the man who’d hired me reached out his hand to touch the baby’s foot,
BD recoiled like a snake, snatching the baby away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Please don’t touch him,” he
said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was not softened with a nervous laugh, or even a half
smile. He was unapologetic in his tone and even in his gaze. It really broke
the mood and I was mortified. I’ve heard of overprotective parents not wanting
their children touched. I get it about germs and all that. But the baby was
wearing footies. The man had reached out to wiggle his little toes. People tend
to do that to babies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was the end of the day, so I bid my coworkers good bye,
grabbed my bag and boarded the elevator with BD, where no sooner did the doors
close --<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Why did you do that?” I
snapped in a heated whisper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I don’t want that white man touching my child.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That was the first incident. Here’s another:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We’re on the bus, I’m sitting with the baby on my lap and BD
is sitting next to me. A white lady directly across from me starts making faces
with the baby, talking to him in exaggerated baby tones. Babies tend to have
this effect on strangers in public places, so I picked up his little hand and
waved at the lady across the aisle from us. BD immediately got out of his seat
and kneeled in the walkway blocking the view between the baby and the lady,
grabbing his little hand to hold his attention and whispering, “No son, that’s
the devil.”Yes, for real. This really happened! I wanted to cry ... from embarrassment, from anger, from sadness for my child
and a deep sense of helplessness for him as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And these are just a couple of many. It got really crazy around
that house for a while. And what added to the insanity was BD’s absolute
resolve.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was a teacher. He looked good, tall, handsome, well
groomed always in a shirt and tie --<em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Every day</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>with the shirt and tie
-- Well educated, well-spoken and even capable of charm when necessary. It
would be difficult for anyone to believe he was certified. And I would have no
more difficult time convincing a person than months later when we’d both find
ourselves in a psychologist’s office, each fighting for our own parental
fitness over the other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before then though, our tenure as cohabitants would
culminate with flashing lights and sirens.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 11, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-48975481661536877822012-08-07T13:30:00.000-07:002012-08-07T13:30:07.159-07:0017. Whats in a Name? Whats in the Box?<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlt3aUXIr8HsNUBwMh1TfJySKebIec1CdUfRIycZ-crdvTaATM2TXHkdh9eNm5_tQBhDrdLRC4SYaoUWRr-fZFpfhf_HWN7hIx9y2K0PKl_7qOX7T93htZY2LscFtHa4GrqJumZ-eMwvdE/s1600/Box.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlt3aUXIr8HsNUBwMh1TfJySKebIec1CdUfRIycZ-crdvTaATM2TXHkdh9eNm5_tQBhDrdLRC4SYaoUWRr-fZFpfhf_HWN7hIx9y2K0PKl_7qOX7T93htZY2LscFtHa4GrqJumZ-eMwvdE/s640/Box.jpg" width="514" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">F</span></b>or all the complications surrounding our situation, our son’s
entrance into the world that summer was smooth and without incident.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The baby we’d been preparing for, however futile, who’s
health we’d prayed for and for whom was the only reason either one of us was
still around at this point, was finally here. And he was perfect. Alert, happy
and absolutely awe inspiring, I’d thought this little life would be able to
change everything. But sitting eight days post partum in the middle of a heat
wave, wedged between<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></b></span>and his parents on
one side of me, my mother and sisters on the other, it was apparent this was a
family that would never mesh.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD had wanted a naming ceremony since we’d first learned
about my pregnancy. He’d insisted, we wouldn’t decide on a name for the baby
until he was born and we’d had an opportunity to meet him. Then, on the eighth
day, we’d announce the baby’s name to family and friends after first whispering
it into the child’s ear because you should be the first to know who you are. It’s
a beautiful custom. I was kinda taken by the naming ceremony scene in Roots
anyway (remember that?) When he took his brand new baby out into the woods,
lifted him into the air and announced to his son, “Behold, the only thing
greater than yourself,” as he introduced him to God. So
I was on board with the whole waiting eight days thing. I thought it would be
nice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Of course, now, as we sit scrunched together in our living
room with our families, laboring to breathe in the heavy humidity, it is
absolutely not nice. And the week leading up to this date hadn’t been so
agreeable either.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d wanted to name our baby after my father, who though
black, happens to, like most of us, have a European name. BD hit the roof at
the first mention of this a few months before. I told him we could still have
the ceremony, it would just be understood that one of his names would be my dad’s.
I didn’t even care if it was buried at the bottom right before the last name,
which would also be BD’s. The idea of his son having what he perceived as a
white man’s name had enraged him. He threw over a small table in his tantrum.
Shaken, I dropped the subject, but I did go about rubbing my belly and speaking
softly to my baby, calling him by name. More anger. I was being directed how to
speak to my unborn child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For a full 48 hours before the naming ceremony, we’d
completely stopped talking, unable to agree upon a name. We’d both chosen a
few, then chosen from that pool, then attempted to whittle that down. The
stalemate for me was when after getting down to eight names, BD refused to skim
any more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“These are our son’s names. There’s nothing more important
than that. A name is supposed to speak for your past and your destiny. The
wrong name can curse you ... “<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d heard the rhetoric for the past nine months and I was so
over it. There’s no way I was sending my kid to kindergarten with eight names.
Fortunately, with our families lingering in every corner of the apartment (they
had to spread out over a few rooms or sit nose-to-nose in one) this argument
couldn’t escalate the way it might have, less their presence. I was grateful.
We slept in separate beds that night and the last, and had still not reached an
agreement we were both happy with when it was time for BD to make the
announcement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My anger boiled in my stomach as he read off each of eight
names he’d scrawled on a little sheet of paper. My family looked at me mouths
agape, trying to be supportive but unprepared to hide their surprise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“That’s quite a name,” my
mother had said. What else could she say? Madness is what it was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We said a prayer, completed the ceremony and I was just
thankful when he finally loaded his people up in the car to drive them back to
New York.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m tryin to order a pizza, pepperoni and sausage,” I said aloud, reaching for the phone book.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hey Mel, there’s a package out here,” BD said sticking his head back in the door from the hallway.
Damn. Thought he was gone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He kicked the medium size box in and left.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I put the baby to sleep and I did get my pizza and it was
good. The fam got a good laugh at my expense, though.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Sneakin food like you got a damn eating disorder. What
kinda shyt is that?” The little one had said, half in
jest, half with disdain.<br />
<br />
My mother had been more empathetic, but her tone was urgent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“<strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Mel</span></strong>, if you’re not happy
here, you shouldn’t stay here. And the longer you stay, the harder it will be
to leave and the angrier BD will be when you finally do leave.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Whadyou mean, when I finally do leave? He’s my son’s
father?” I responded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Melyssa,” she said
flatly, looking around and picking up and dropping the pizza box on the table
to illustrate her point. “I Know you don’t plan on living like this forever.
The longer you wait, the worse off you’ll be.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sidebar: Kids, listen
to your mom.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD stayed the night with his parents that night, thankfully
but I didn’t get any sleep anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was staring up at the ceiling for most of the night, when
my eyes dropped and fell on the package in the corner. Swine on my mind
earlier, I'd forgotten about it. I leapt out of bed and crossed the room with a
pair of scissors off the dresser. No return address? I pulled the box open and
foam popcorn spilled all over the floor. Baby gifts. Really, nice, thoughtful
baby gifts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A cute little inflatable ducky tub that really quacks.
Adorable. A little fold-out director’s chair with our chld’s last name printed
on the back. BD would love that. And the tiniest little onesie with massage
points illustrated on it. So cute.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had an inkling of who they might be from, but searched
through the box again before allowing myself to think his name. I’d been
keeping myself from thinking his name for months.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There it was, near the bottom of the box, covered by foam.
The beautifully engraved white envelope didn't look like a baby card. I pulled
out another linen envelope from inside the first. It was a wedding
announcement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 10, 2008</span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-30840160313420104302012-08-07T13:24:00.000-07:002012-08-07T13:24:19.359-07:0016. Wishful Thinking: I Gotta Snap Out of It<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj78BtwOYznFr1Z7tJsj0bKL-OOtKJA7ETOGFyVyu7O2mfCW1KtmJ1GjjP1ZN9qkiLiBbNKgBHzrv28XKXEHNIvBlndW8KVLUgWXqubKz450Rt8wkaHBrCudOnQYp8j7tJtTWDwtHWLb6xI/s1600/chapter+15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj78BtwOYznFr1Z7tJsj0bKL-OOtKJA7ETOGFyVyu7O2mfCW1KtmJ1GjjP1ZN9qkiLiBbNKgBHzrv28XKXEHNIvBlndW8KVLUgWXqubKz450Rt8wkaHBrCudOnQYp8j7tJtTWDwtHWLb6xI/s640/chapter+15.jpg" width="506" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Today’s installment was to be about the fateful day I got the hell outta that apartment, and I will get there, but
I was skipping a diary of entries and I wanna slow down a bit. There was a lot
of back and forth in our nothing less than manic relationship and I was jumping
the gun in leaving.</span></em><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">A</span></b>s foreign as this new life I’d found myself in felt, and
though it was at my suggestion (really almost begging from the beginning), it
was<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>who was becoming
comfortable with the idea of us being together. We’d lie in bed at night and he’d
tell me how badly he’d always wanted a family and how he never thought he’d
have one. How everyone always leaves him. He’d rub my belly and imagine with me
what kind of person our baby would be. He’d even softened his feelings for me,
actually seeming to be looking forward to a life together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s easier for him to see a future now, since I’ve taken so
well to his lifestyle rules, adapting without much protest. He smiles more,
spends money around the house, fixing things and adding things and talks in “we” and “us.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We’d mentioned<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Digital’s</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>name sparingly in the
past few months. I told BD very little of my conversation with him and BD had
been equally vague about his face-to-face with his friend. He had come home
that night with a busted lip and he didn’t answer me when I asked what
happened. Aware of where he’d been though, I didn’t persist. And that was it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Objectively, we were settling into a life. I, terribly
unhappily, but determined just the same. And he reluctantly at first, and now
purposefully. We were going to make this work for our child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then, the most awkward day of my life to date ...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was bound to happen. The not-quite New York, but close-enough
New Jersey town where we lived is not a large place. It only has one Target,
after all ...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So BD and I were doing a little shopping. He's so indecisive
and I hate shopping with him. He palmed the different toilet paper packages for
about 10 minutes, comparing the prices per roll and talking aloud about whether
it made sense to spend the extra money on 24 rolls as opposed to 12 ... I get
sooo frustrated shopping with him. And we'd just left the freezer section where
of course, i couldn’t buy anything I wanted, ie frozen pizzas, Stouffers meals,
Doritos, lemonade and the like. It’s all riddled with preservatives and
artificial colors ... I miss eating the food I used to eat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am schlepping up and down the aisles wearing a scowl as
big as my face. I didn’t even wanna make this trip to the store. I wanted to go
straight home from work, eat and go to bed, but BD insisted. And then we'd sat
in the parking lot for 10 minutes while he took a call on his cell phone. One
of his old guy friends, talking about this and that and how they have to get
together soon ... yadda yadda yadda. So I am clearly unhappy and I have my back
to him smelling some perfumes, when I hear --<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I must've been meant to come to Target tonight, what's
up man?"<br /><br />
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am soooo not in the mood to smile and meet one of BD's friends, (probably the
guy he just got off the phone with), so I stay rudely, back turned, facing the
perpendicular aisle of cosmetics. Maybe I can casually slip away and avoid the
whole presentation. I hate having to smile and chat when I'm feeling this way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then ....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Hey<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Melyssa</span></strong>,
how are you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now I recognize the voice, though I'm looking up now at the
same time, so I'm not sure if it's the voice I recognize first or those eyes. I
felt frozen, but I spoke smoothly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I'm well Digital, how are you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Cool, cool ... "<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yeah you see our little one?" BD interjects,
gesturing toward my seven months pregnant belly, shamelessly pronounced in my
baby tee. Any other day I'd be in a big empire cut cascading mumu.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I look down and up again to meet BD’s eyes. I know this
look. I know what he was saying with that look.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"You know you fucked up, right? You look MISERABLE. You
know that right?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know what he was thinking... and it was all over my face.
I didn't even try to put on a glow for him. Maybe I wanted him to see my
underlying unhappiness. I think I wanted him to want to save me. How nuts is
that!?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"It's real, now." BD continues, happily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yeah, it was real before. It was real when she first
said it." BD responds. But he's looking at me. Why are you talking to
Digital and looking at me? I break his gaze.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"So are you guys excited? Doing a little family
shopping?" He continues casually and politely. Family shopping?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yeah, I'm excited," BD says beaming. It had only
occurred to me before that perhaps I had been a pawn. It was now evident.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I just half smile, quiet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"No, not yet," BD says.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The rest of the conversation is a bore and a blur as they
yap for about 60 seconds of the Knicks game Digital is on his way to and other
meaningless subjects. I'm just grateful their eyes aren't on my belly anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Alright man, I'll see you later."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They clasp hands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Digital moves over to me and half leans in for a one-handed
hug. I have my arms full of stuff, toilet paper, papertowels, but I move my
face to the side, toward his, rather than into the armpit of his coat. Our
faces touch and I'm thinking, I hope he doesn't think I did that on purpose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And that's it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So awkward, for me anyway. BD and Digital handled the chance
run in like bonafide adults. And Digital had texted him a few days before,
which made things smoother for them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I felt like CRAP. C-R-A-P.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If I ever had second thoughts about BD and making this
family thing work up to this point, it was right then. I wanted to run after
Digital... to plead with him ... to .. something. This thing that I've done, at
that moment, it was unapologetically real. I mean just in my face, LOOK WHAT
YOU DID, real.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
The next morning, we're lying in bed and BD asks me, "Did you want to
leave me for Digital yesterday?" He has these big puppy dog eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He and Digital have had a healthy competition I think as
long as they've known each other. Both tall, handsome, both having dreams of
making it in the entertainment world, same taste in women (and they’ve been
around and around about that before)... Only, Digital’s realized his dreams. I
think that eats at BD.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I just look at him, stomach sunken by the irony, but I try
not to let on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Why would you ask me that?" I say.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why couldn't I just lie and answer the question?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"He has money and he has a Benz and he goes to Nick's
games."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I don't care about that, BD." It wasn’t a
complete lie. I was in love with Digital before all that. I hug him. I do want
to reassure him. I mean, if I'm gonna be in this, there's no sense in him
feeling insecure about it. What am I gonna do, really be with Digital? Probably
not. This thought makes my stomach sink even lower. I'm mourning him.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
I gotta snap out of it. This is my life now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Orignally posted on
March 7, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-15189981365921789552012-08-07T13:17:00.000-07:002012-08-07T13:25:00.043-07:0015. You Made Your Bed, Now Lie in it<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjalwTsMkLt4cLDYR0qycsPTGlDpBn59O2w0bua4NkYRi6oY1w9Thx80lJzXJsf066yOXjyEwXSyM3RxK4GXox4jOdzz9nZ7jAqsGirwqdpp2cSWiOXs3ZHa0z77MW20RTEFT2u3F169wne/s1600/you+made+your+bed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjalwTsMkLt4cLDYR0qycsPTGlDpBn59O2w0bua4NkYRi6oY1w9Thx80lJzXJsf066yOXjyEwXSyM3RxK4GXox4jOdzz9nZ7jAqsGirwqdpp2cSWiOXs3ZHa0z77MW20RTEFT2u3F169wne/s400/you+made+your+bed.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">T</span></b>he morning after my face-to-face with<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Digital</span></strong>,
I woke up to text message alert from him on my Treo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Talkd 2<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Serita</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>last nite. U mite wanna
reach out. Peace.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What the f*ck? You called her!?” I
asked aloud, sitting straight up in bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, I’m really sick. I know they talked me into the ground.
I was dreading having the conversation with her though, just as much as I was
hating to have to talk to Digital, so I used his breaking the news as an excuse
to put off calling Serita immediately. I decided I’d do it next week. Of course
that week became another, and it would be almost a year before she’d finally
hear an admission and apology from me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, I’d gotten really good at compounding problems.
What in the world put it in my mind that passivity is peace, I have no idea.
But that’s where I was at the time. And after months of living together with<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and watching my belly
become increasingly bigger, the new lifestyle became almost routine. I’d come to regard my misery as penance,
necessary sacrifices to insure that my child was born into a two-parent home,
however unhappy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I didn’t chat with<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Ayana</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>so much in the late
evenings anymore, when BD was home. He hated gossip. Instead, we IMd all day at
work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD also had his opinions about my younger sister. She called
too much, she complained too much and she was wild. He didn’t want her
babysitting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My mother knew too much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You tell her everything. Why is she always calling here?” (By here, he meant my cell phone, mind you).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then I had a flashback of a few years prior, right
around the time when my girl Serita, (BD’s ex-girl, you remember) finally left
him alone. She’d called me complaining about how he’d slowly tried to change
everything about her, but lately he’d made some unacceptable requests. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
“That nigga told me he wanted me to stop perming my hair and wearing make up. Is
that fool crazy?” She’d
told me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We laughed about it hard and their relationship was over not
two months later. I’d never heard of anything like that. I mean, are you
serious? Stop wearing make up? And I don’t perm my hair, but if anybody asked
me to stop using a flat iron we might have a problem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was really, really missing Serita right now. Sometimes BD
would say things or do things that sounded exactly like the little dumb shyt
she used to complain about and I used to laugh about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d really given little thought to Serita’s plight at the
time and just assumed she’d been exaggerating. Fast forward a few years. She
hadn’t.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here I was, scaling back on myself and falling off on my
family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My ballooning belly was more often used as a reason for me
to stay in, or to only go out accompanied by BD. Driving was out of the
question. And so it had begun, so slowly and seemingly innocently, that I didn’t
even see that I was sinking until I was nearly out of air and I could not move.
(Rather all my moves were tracked by BD).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The meals were all vegetarian now, he’d thrown away anything
made with any sort of animal derivative (and if you guys read labels, that’s
damned near everything). And who knew there’s pork in jello, pudding, cheese --
unless it specifically says “plant”rennet.
Just “rennet,” is a pork product -- body
wash, cosmetics, and every f*cking thing else. I was beginning to lose my mind.<br />
<br />
I felt absolutely trapped. On the one hand, this is the bed I made, right? And
it’s nobody’s responsibility to lie in it but my own. On the other, life is
long when you’re not happy. Don’t believe people who tell you it’s short. If
you’re in a miserable situation, 10 months can seem like 10 years.<br />
<br />
I served my time for a little less than two.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 6, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-63183881909203468152012-08-06T13:10:00.001-07:002012-08-06T13:10:26.653-07:0014. All Things Done in the Dark ...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsYTkG6sjAW9i30A1wF4fy6olYGu5TDvFElOjhP6jd6vX-yTiksNP5jska9n-BS2VpsGnhaEKmAGlHIbXI4FRxLPZhLmmXzGrz5saRYOpax0kI2_ls9IsaABYpHwGqc5uWmwtFwZVS3gEH/s1600/chapter+13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsYTkG6sjAW9i30A1wF4fy6olYGu5TDvFElOjhP6jd6vX-yTiksNP5jska9n-BS2VpsGnhaEKmAGlHIbXI4FRxLPZhLmmXzGrz5saRYOpax0kI2_ls9IsaABYpHwGqc5uWmwtFwZVS3gEH/s640/chapter+13.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>W</b></span>hat do the old folks say? They will come to light. And
damnit if that shyt isn’t the truth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The day I had to face<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Digital</span></strong>,
apologize and smell the new car scent in his brand new, paid-in-cash Benz was
one of the most emotional days in my life, to date, I think. Can you kick
yourself from a seated position? Because I had my proverbial foot firmly lodged
in my ass as I sat uncomfortably on his butter soft, heated leather passenger
seat. The sound system was crazy, like being front row center. He played his
artist’s new album. It wasn’t out yet so I hadn’t heard any of the tracks
before. The shyt was bangin, tho. Definitely gonna cop that. Wish I could tell
you guys who the dude is. I’ll say this, he’s a young, fairly new (sophomore
album) R&B guy in the lane of<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">R
Kelly</span></strong>.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, before I got a whiff of his whip, we met at a sushi
bar. He brought flowers. (And he’s so not the flowers kind of guy). I probably
should not have broken the news in public. It didn’t give him the opportunity
to release and react the way I’m sure he wanted to and that was at best,
thoughtless. The least I could have done was given him the privacy to curse in
a raised voice. And he wasn’t about to make a scene here, the Asian waiters new
his name. Apparently this was his little neighborhood watering hole. Nice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“So, whadyou wanna tell me,<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Mel</span></strong>?” He asked no sooner than we were seated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The waiter came around just then.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“We’re not ready yet, but can we get some saki?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Uh, no saki for me. Water with lemon please,” I said, addressing the waiter rather than Digital.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Have a drink with me,” He
insisted. “It’s a celebration bitches.” Not funny.
We were not about to celebrate. We were probably about to speak the last words
we would ever say to each other in life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I smiled a nervous half smile.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Whatre you pregnant? I know you aint pregnant cause I been
outta town for two months,” he said
jokingly, digging through the edemame. “Don’t make me have to get<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Mrs.
Ganache</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>on
the phone.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My mother loved him. The whole family loved him. He’d flown
down and spent a week with us once and visited a few other times when I was at
my mother’s house. He was like a big brother to my little sister. Digital had
even charmed my irritable17-year-old cat who absolutely does not tolerate
company.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I raised one eyebrow as if to say, “well “¦” and Digital’s mouth immediately dropped.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He leaned in and spoke in a dramatic whisper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Get the fuck outta here! Mel, you pregnant?” He sat back abruptly and began counting aloud on his fingers.
Its it ““ mine?”
He asked leaning back in on the last word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This isn’t the way I wanted to begin. I wanted to start off
by telling him that I’d been seeing BD, that we’d been spending some time
together in his absence and that one thing had led to another. I wanted to
follow that confession up with my pregnancy. Now I’d have to give him
everything at once. Ugly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No. You haven’t been around, Digital,” I finally said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He slouched down in his seat, “Man, get the f*ck outta here
with that bullshyt. Please don’t start that bullshyt in here, Mel. You know
what I’m doin out here? I’m fuckin workin. Don’t make this some argument about
my schedule and how I don’t have time for you and this and that. If you brought
me here to tell me you’re havin some other man’s kid, you coulda said that shyt
at the house. But don’t try to turn it around now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m not tryin to turn it around, I’m saying the reason we
haven’t committed,” for the record, “is because you’re always
jettin off. I never see you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Are you serious right now? You’re fuckin knocked up by
another dude, Mel. You think I don’t know you get it in? I know you get it in.
Cool. You do your thing, I got business, too. Let’s just be real. But what
kinda fuckin shyt is this? You with this dude?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wasn’t looking at him anymore, but past him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“This dude know about me? Are you having the baby?” No answer. I couldn’t answer
him right this second or my voice would crack and the tears would pour. It’s so hard to get yourself back together after that point. I
was trying to hold it in. I needed a few seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Come on,” he said
jumping up out of his chair and picking up his Blackberry off the table. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Let’s go.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We walked briskly around the waterfront and back to his
apartment. The view was beautiful and wasted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Shyt, I forgot my car,” he
said pulling out his keys and switching directions. I just followed. He’d driven all the half a mile to the sushi place because he was
so excited about his new car. He’d wanted me
to see it. He took 10 minutes showing me all it’s luxurious features and what
this button does and that button does. Like a kid. He’d worked extremely hard
and this was the first big thing he had to show for it. (He was also house
shopping in Atlanta). I was so proud of him. It had only been about three years
since he was sleeping on<strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD’s</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>floor and working at
some sneaker store in Manhattan in between pounding the pavement for a deal for
this new kid he’d discovered. It was a really rough time. I’d sent him some
money once, $200 to help out. I loved him and wanted to be supportive but I
could not do the long distance thing, nor could he, and I couldn’t take his
constant working. It was more like a preoccupation than an occupation. It
consumed him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But it was about to be all over anyway. I wasn’t done
confessing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We valeted at the door of his building and went in. As soon
as the elevator doors closed Digital broke his silence asking me the same
questions again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“So you with this dude, Mel? Are you havin the baby?” I was trying to wait until we got into the apartment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“We’re not really together but we’re trying to do the right
thing,” I said solemnly.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br /><br />
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We walked in, Digital flipped the lights on and immediately took a right to the
kitchen where he poured himself some dark liquor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You know what this is some funny shyt,” he said after he’d put the
glass down. “I was just talking to my boy the
other day, about how all the shyt I’ve been
working toward all this time, I’m really there.
I got the checks comin in. I got myself established at the label, I got these
music connects now and on the business side, I’m good. Now I just need to find
a wife and settle down.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His boy’s a producer who’s done some of the tracks for his
artist and has been through some of the same relationship ails. Goes with the
territory I suppose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He laughed again and took another swig.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“He was like, “˜yeah, once you get that house you need to go
ahead and join the club.’” Digital
said. (His boy is married). “I just need
a wife and a little girl.” He has two
boys.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He plopped down on the sofa, leaving me standing.<br /><br />
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I guess this is God’s way of telling me you’re not the one.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My stomach sunk. Way to rub salt in the wound. And I wasn’t
even done yet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“There’s something else,” I
began. “I don’t
want you to hate me Digital. I don’t know what
I’d do if I thought you hated me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I don’t hate you, Mel. I’m disappointed in you. How the
f*ck did you let this happen? I mean, I know it may not be like that right now,
but you knew what it was “¦”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He’s not hearing me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I need to tell you something else, Digital.” I would not take a breath until I got it all out. </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Remember that time I told you I saw BD in the city? Well we
went out again after that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I took a breath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m so sorry. I wish I could take that night back “¦” This was a really piss poor confession, I know. But I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You f*cked BD? My boy?” He asked in disbelief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was a horrible, emotional display. One like I’d never
seen from Digital. He was always so aloof. (What is it women like about the
emotionally detached, unavailable man?) That night he got in touch with his
feelings quickly, breaking a glass against the wall and telling me I should be
grateful he doesn’t hit women. I think I might have been.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He called BD several times but couldn’t get an answer. I was
glad about that. When Digital did finally drag the story of our illicit affair
out piecemeal, question by question, I was sure it would sound a lot different
hearing it from BD. I didn’t lie, but I did try to stick to the larger truths ““
I’m pregnant and it’s BD’s.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He insisted BD had done this on purpose. That all he ever
did was run up behind him trying to get with chicks he had been with. That BD
was still mad because his little sister had come onto him when they were in
college. Sitting seductively on Digital’s sofa, she’d pulled the sari that
covered her head off, letting her long hair cascade over her shoulders and told
Digital her big brother doesn’t need to know everything. There are
discrepancies as to what happened next, but Digital says he made the girl go
back to her dorm. However It went down, he was right about BD still being salty
over it. He’d mentioned it to me several times and I didn’t even know either of
them when this went down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So there was some underlying tension already between the two
of them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not to mention the fact that they’d both set off with
aspirations in the same field, both achieving levels of success straight out of
college, but Digital’s career had taken off and BD’s stalled. I know BD was
jealous about that. He wanted it to be him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was becoming clearer to me that I’d stepped into
something that began way before me and had nothing to do with me. It occurred
to me that perhaps, as Digital suggested, I had been used.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not that circumstance mattered at all at this point. I’d
known enough. I was an equally responsible player.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After he’d calmed down Digital told me he’d never speak to
me again. He’d always love me but I could no longer be a part of his life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Take care of that baby and BD,” he
said, closing the door to his apartment behind me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Downstairs, I stood in the doorway while the doorman hailed
me a cab in the rain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, I just needed to talk to Serita. Though, unbeknownst to
me, Digital would have her on the phone before I was even out of the building.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 5, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-87806411853699539262012-08-06T13:03:00.001-07:002012-08-06T13:03:41.511-07:0013. Making Believe and Losing Myself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUV03LQbM12sAt9Y64gNP-l0AaofLRoXytVY-Ur9CtouDwRbIW94sxL6DfsNqdYE_wXKNTFSCssnzYrpx1vxKh-oFljMxGoUyqTkfV2f-uwXIaKJOpJGoBQGPXtgbe82sZDpbgfP1rASV7/s1600/chapter+12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUV03LQbM12sAt9Y64gNP-l0AaofLRoXytVY-Ur9CtouDwRbIW94sxL6DfsNqdYE_wXKNTFSCssnzYrpx1vxKh-oFljMxGoUyqTkfV2f-uwXIaKJOpJGoBQGPXtgbe82sZDpbgfP1rASV7/s640/chapter+12.jpg" width="414" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>A</b></span> couple weeks later, we’d come to an agreement.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>would let go of his
apartment and move in with me. He’d already begun spending most of his time
there. For all his over zealousness and what I’d come to know as an
obsessive-compulsive disorder, it really does cut both ways. As absolutely
erratic and inconsolable as he can be when he doesn’t get his way, raving until
the opposing party concedes, he is equally tenacious about committing himself
to a task. He was baby proofing the house, comparing safety ratings of
strollers and car seats and planning a nursery theme before I was even showing.
(Red, black and green. Yes, really).<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Lemme just sidebar this: When I told him those were
inappropriate colors for a baby’s room he insisted that I was brainwashed and
had believed the lie the white man had told me, that black is ugly and drab and
evil. This convo kicked off when he brought home a black hamper for the baby’s
room and I reacted in disgust.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And though we’d skirted around and finally tabled the whole
marriage issue, we did decide to introduce our union to his parents as if we
were engaged. They were very strict and very religious and BD feared banishment
for procreating outside of wedlock. The least we could do was be “planning” a ceremony.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had to face the judgement of my family, too which was also
no easy task, but required a lot less preparation. I blurted it out over
Thanksgiving dinner, sending my mother screaming from the table, my younger
sister erupting in a fit of laughter --”Get the eff outta here! That nigga got
you pregnant? Hahahahah!” (In her defense it was in-part
nervous laughter. The rest, just erily evil. -- And the others of the clan, my
older sister, aunt, uncle, all stunned, forks still and mouths dropped. I’d
ruined dinner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But that wasn’t the most dramatic display. The acting award
belonged to BD and myself as we sat on his parents’ couch, explaining to them
that though we had “strayed” and done
things the wrong way, we were in love and determined to make it work. We would
be married in one year. (and this is the first time I’m
meeting these people). But BD had made sure I was ready.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Can you take your contacts off before we go to my parents?” he’d asked. I’d
looked at him in disbelief, but he was serious. I could see it meant a lot to
him, so I agreed. I changed tops, too. The one I was wearing apparently was a
little snug. It would be the first of many such requests-turned-requirements.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The entire thing was a dramatic enactment from the
beginning. Noble, but not real. As long as the two main characters understood
that, I saw no harm. And moreover our living together would allow for our baby,
at least in the beginning, to have the benefit of both of us. For me, that
outweighed any of the cons my family and friends kept bringing up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Having a baby is no reason to move that man into your
house,” my older sister had warned. “You didn’t get pregnant on purpose but you’re gonna purposely compound the problem?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Her child’s father is not the easiest person to deal with
and she was going through it with him and his lawyers. Her opinion was skewed.
I would never be in a situation like that. I would have a family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You’re not the same. I feel like you’re changing ... he’s
changing you,”<strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Ayana</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>said out of the blue one
day on the phone. Why? Because rather than complaining about his crazy antics,
I'm defending him? He's my baby's father. Does no one seem to understand this?
What the hell is she talking about? I <i>am</i> changing. My hormones are going crazy.
I’m growing a person.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And when my mother came to visit and couldn’t find any
suitable breakfast meat in the fridge that morning -- no bacon, no sausage,
nothin. LOL -- she knew something was wrong. I’m a Midwestern girl but the fam
is from the south. Breakfast is a big deal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Mel, what dyou eat for breakfast?”
she asked. As if there was no such thing as cold cereal. (LOL. I laugh now
because I had sausage, eggs and grits for breakfast this morning, as did baby
boy :) and I can hardly even wrap my mind around how this dude had me eating
cold cereal. Nuts).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In a heart-to-heart later she told me, amongst other things,
“I feel like you’re losing yourself. Do you feel like you’re losing yourself?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What the hell is that? Losing myself. Why couldn’t anybody
see, this was me being responsible, doing the right thing, sacrificing what I
might want for the needs of my child. I’m becoming a mother. Doesn’t that
transition inherently call for a certain degree of setting aside self? Besides,
pork isn’t good for anybody anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It would be months, I think before I’d recognize the
sacrifices I was making in my futile attempt to make us work. Even longer
before the resentment would become palpable and my protest evident. But we’re
not there yet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First, we’d have to make the announcement to our two effed
over friends,<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Digital</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and<strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Serita</span></strong>.
Karma is a bitch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 4, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-87643156571501763042012-08-06T12:57:00.001-07:002012-08-06T13:04:26.828-07:0012. Nobody Ever Says, "I wanna be a baby mama when I grow up"<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBQiRA9QuTDyXkIkEpKCZ9ZreoAsgMmYgdFV7_IzMosUVaSNh5yk2EQSYznMqwdCtcChaX1asn4cl_ntcWPceklz_NBTikLWdI66UXZTqOkqf_im8VGciOhZMDfhzxNKaEjOQVlgoubeB4/s1600/chapter+11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBQiRA9QuTDyXkIkEpKCZ9ZreoAsgMmYgdFV7_IzMosUVaSNh5yk2EQSYznMqwdCtcChaX1asn4cl_ntcWPceklz_NBTikLWdI66UXZTqOkqf_im8VGciOhZMDfhzxNKaEjOQVlgoubeB4/s400/chapter+11.jpg" width="386" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>I</b></span> waited until Monday evening to call<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong>.
Partly because I knew he’d been out of town that weekend for Homecoming --<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Digital</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>and I always met up at
our alma mater around this time of year. When he texted me to ask if I’d be
going down, I didn’t respond. -- The other part of me had waited a couple of
days to make the call because I had no idea what I was going to say. I mean,
besides the obvious. I had no plan to propose, no suggestions to make ... I was
at a complete loss. What I did know is that my child needed a father.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My mind was still racing, phone to my ear. He picked up on
the second ring.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hey, how are you?” I began.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hey Melyssa. Long time no hear.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’ve been really busy. Made a few changes. How was Home
Coming?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He humored me with a few obligatory details about how great
it was to be back on campus and see old friends and who won the game and yadda
yadda ..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“So how’re you?” He finally
finished.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I finally found a new apartment,” I
said. “And I’ve been looking for a new job.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“That’s great. Glad to hear things are going well for you.
And I’m glad you called. I was beginning to think you didn’t want anything more
to do with me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No, it’s not like that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My heart was pounding. I couldn’t wait any longer. The
conversation was winding down with pauses and if I didn’t tell him now, we’d
say our goodbyes and I would not be calling him back.<br />
<br />
“Um, BD. I called because I needed to talk to you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What’s wrong?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another long pause.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You wanna come around here?” He
asked. “Come now. I’m
home.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And 20 minutes later I was back in that place. Everything
looked the same, only, smaller. His place was tiny. Though built with a wall
partitioning the bedroom/living area from the kitchen, you could hardly call it
a one bedroom apartment. It was a tight little space that, scanning the walls
from my seat on the futon now, I could not fathom having shared with him for
months.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was boiling water for tea as I studied cracks in the wall
and dingy spots on the ceiling I hadn’t seen before. I looked down at the ratty
spread covering the lumpy futon I was sitting on and began to physically
recoil.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Here. Sugar, right?” BD
said handing me a mug. I smiled and accepted it. He sat his down and remained
standing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You’re pregnant, right?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hadn’t swallowed yet, or I would’ve choked. I was glad he
said it though. I’d been preparing to form the words all weekend and could not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I took a test” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Are you sure “““<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Two tests,” I
interjected. I would not be bringing news like this to him if I wasn’t sure. Besides, they came in a pack of two. No sense in
wasting the second one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He slumped down next to me, hunching his back and burrying
his face in his hands. I’d had days to cry, scream, pray and stare aimlessly
out the window. I was composed at this point.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
“So, how, I mean, what are you “¦” He let his
voice trail off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I thought about an abortion. I don’t want to do that,” I told him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Then what do you want to do?” He
looked up at me with watery eyes. “I can’t be a father. I’m not ready
to be a father.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Me neither,” I quipped.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“But I don’t believe in abortion either ... But how can we
have a baby ... Oh God ...” He was talking this thing
through, aloud. Wrapping his mind around how thoroughly and irrevocably his life
had just changed with the utterance of two words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was just waiting. I had no more to say, really than I had
when I knocked on the door. And he’d said that much for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD talked himself in circles. “What are we gonna do?” He finally asked me. “What do you
want to do?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I can’t do this by myself. I can’t raise a baby alone. I
want my baby to have a mom and a dad in the house with him,” I blurted out before I could edit myself. This was my
unadulterated fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d never thought I had much in common with them. Single
mothers, working two or three jobs, raising children alone that they did not
conceive alone. I couldn’t even see myself living that life. I’d always
envisioned this wonderful fairy tale relationship, the ring, the wedding the
house, then the baby. With my husband, not just my baby’s daddy. That sounds so
ugly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What are you saying, Mel? You wanna get married?” It wasn’t said like an offer or half
proposal, but more like a you-can’t-be-serious-but-just-in-case-you-are-I-need-you-to-vocalize-for-the-record-that-you-are-not-because-that-shyt-is-crazy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No,” I said calming his obvious
protest. “I don’t
mean that, I just mean ... I can’t care for a baby by myself.” His face was not one of relief, so I backed up even more. “At least at the beginning. I’ll
need you there at night and in the mornings.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d gone from wanting a life partner and full time father
for my child to settling for a science project buddy. You know, like when you
shared an egg in the sixth grade? I was clearly in a position of desperation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I gotta think about this Melyssa. I mean, you know I’m
gonna be there for my child, whatever happens. But, about being together ...”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wow. Did he have to say it like that? What am I <i>begging</i>? It’s
not as if I want to be with him either. What I want is to make the best of a
bad situation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But in crystal clear hindsight, I know now it wasn’t just
for concern for my child that I’d wept that day, that I’d all but begged BD to
help build this makeshift family upon sinking sand. It was also this
overwhelming fear of becoming a statistic, used goods, somebody’s baby’s mama
and nobody’s wife. That is a form of vanity. And that pride would lead me into
a situation that would soon have me wishing for the opportunity to live this
day again. This moment when I have a choice and my and my child’s fate is in my
hands. It would never be that way again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was certainly about to get what I’d asked for.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
March 3, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-36817017135306372842012-08-06T12:37:00.000-07:002012-08-06T12:42:32.959-07:0011. It's All Fun and Games til Somebody Gets Pregnant<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkwjDv1NmyGdlltK1w-7kD3QflmHtMob8IZQj1tF8BBURTSlsjzfrZisXBKjVwvw_UR4sBsE2-VhbRMnoxRnkOlkZQ_JbHVosKX6LyM4kCE8agIw7KmkMhV2noSZwT9uxrgEEY3D68tX63/s1600/chapter+10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkwjDv1NmyGdlltK1w-7kD3QflmHtMob8IZQj1tF8BBURTSlsjzfrZisXBKjVwvw_UR4sBsE2-VhbRMnoxRnkOlkZQ_JbHVosKX6LyM4kCE8agIw7KmkMhV2noSZwT9uxrgEEY3D68tX63/s400/chapter+10.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>I</b></span>’m not sure I even waited the full 10 minutes for the
little blue plus sign to completely appear before I’d gotten two doctor’s
offices on the line asking about availability. By the fourth, I’d made an
appointment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I tried to feel relieved. It’s going to be taken care of.
But I couldn’t. My stomach was still in knots and I still had this overwhelming
feeling of foreboding. I was not at peace with my decision.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not knocking any woman who’s made the decision to terminate
a pregnancy -- it is a heart wrenching decision and one that I teetered on
myself -- But for those of us who decided against it, I think there’s a
defining moment when our minds click and change. Besides the countless hours
spent lying awake counting up pros and cons and to bes and not to bes and
imagining unimaginable scenarios ... I’ve heard stories of women getting up off
the table and walking out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I didn’t make it that far.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For me, it was a Saturday, the morning of my appointment to
fix what I’d seen only as a problem. I’d been absolutely calculating about the
whole thing. I’d checked prices and locations and booked a morning slot with a
reputable doctor in the area. My girlfriend<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Ayana </span></strong>had
come up from DC the night before to go with me. (Now I want her help, right?)
It was so good to have her there, though. A single mother at the time, herself,
she was nonjudgemental and practical. She’d been here before. I needed that
kind of unconditional support.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Occasionally, I’d wake up to my dad’s voice. Crazy, I know.
He’d passed away about a year before, right before I left home and moved out
East. Anyway, sometimes I’d hear him say something to me. It had been the
weirdest thing. Hadn’t heard him though, since I’d been at<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD’s</span></strong>.
But here, at my place, it was quiet and my mind was clear and I heard his voice
like he was standing right there at the side of my bed. Just like old times,
when he’d come in and wake me for school on his way out the door to work. He
was calling my name. I opened my eyes a little surprised to look up and not see
him. I sometimes forgot he wasn’t here any more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He’d sounded so real.<br />
<br />
And then I got this picture in my mind. I imagined my dad in Heaven playing
with my yet-to-be-born child. He’s cradling him in his arms and singing to him
and telling him what a wonderful daughter I was to him while he was on Earth
and what a loving mama I will make for this tiny, little, baby.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I thought about all the people my decision was bound to
disappoint.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I imagined God, in heaven, leading my grandmother by the
hand into this big bright room full of babies. Baby boys and baby girls sitting
on clouds, giggling and playing and gurgling, wide-eyed and innocent. He points
to a beautiful little chubby baby out of the crowd and says, “That one’s going
to<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Melyssa</span></strong>,” and she is delighted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How could I send him back?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I sat up and shook Ayana’s leg to wake her. She was sleeping
at the other end.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Huh?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I don’t think I wanna go,” I
said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Ok. You sure?” She asked
drowsily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Yeah.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I could not have been more unsure or less scared out of my
mind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She rolled over and I laid back down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now I just had to tell BD.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
February 29, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-34717684594188387682012-08-06T12:33:00.005-07:002012-08-06T13:15:19.215-07:0010. Solitary Freedom: The Aftermath<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyPSwyKG7MppFiSUyer8pGLcSKyHiftB_tRkMKwWzNl-tqnQzSkk0T0_itttQB2-kq5jX5faen0JDytJ3wRtLEdymmLizGhUdcJeB-aZU7oMdZDshW6AD-OR9DX1uRXFqEJHR928G5wAbv/s1600/chapter+9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyPSwyKG7MppFiSUyer8pGLcSKyHiftB_tRkMKwWzNl-tqnQzSkk0T0_itttQB2-kq5jX5faen0JDytJ3wRtLEdymmLizGhUdcJeB-aZU7oMdZDshW6AD-OR9DX1uRXFqEJHR928G5wAbv/s640/chapter+9.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>I</b></span> spent the next month with just me. I needed something to
jump into, to take my mind off of things so I decided to make myself my
project.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first mistake I’d made, well other than even being in
that mess in the first place, was putting myself in a position of dependence.
(Though *sigh* this would not be the last time). Staying at<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD’s</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>so close to my job in
Manhattan really made my week-day commute a lot easier. So I decided to get my
own place in the area.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I scoured the Internet and rode through the city looking for
“for rent signs” and found this cute little
two-bedroom right across the street from an area university. Maybe I’d take a creative writing course or learn Spanish. There was
even free curb parking out front. Perfect. And right within my price range. I
signed the lease, hired a couple of movers with a truck and settled in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then I thought, why am I moving to be closer to a job I
hate? I was so under appreciated at the little clothing house I was working
for. Account management is what they called it but what I actually did was no
more than glorified customer service. It was stifling and boring. I decided I’d
look for a new job. What couldn’t I do this close to New York, right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That night, I sat on a blanket in my new living room ... most
of the large pieces of furniture in my old apartment had belonged to the
landlord ““ and had a celebratory glass of red wine. I felt amazingly
accomplished. Competent. Alone. It was nice. It was better than that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It seemed like it had been so long since I’d just been with
me. I think I’d found the thought scary, like solitary confinement or
something. Before BD, I’d spent a lot of time with another boyfriend, before
that, I was living at home, before that -- college life doesn’t really count,
that’s an experience in an of itself -- and then of course, I was home before
that. But the time I’d spent alone in my adult life? I could probably count 20
pages of my diary accounting for those short periods. I should do more of this.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
I put my left over Chinese food in my big empty refrigerator just so there
would be something in there -- Chinese is terrible the next day, you really can’t
reheat fried rice -- and crawled into my Queen size, pillow top bed. I could
roll over almost twice on either side and do with my arms and legs what I
pleased. This was nice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD was so very far from my mind. I’d been so busy doing my
own thing, which is exactly what I’d needed to be doing, I hadn’t really even
thought much of him. And I had no intention of calling him up and telling him I’d
moved to his city. I didn’t want to get tied back into that. The binds had
released and I was recovering well from my rope burns.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And though I had thought of<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Digital</span></strong>,
it wasn’t with the same longing that had been so distracting before. I hadn’t
spoken to him since the last time he called, however long ago that was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD did cross my mind that next morning though. I woke up to
blinding light flooding through my bedroom windows. The light in my new space
was great, huge windows, but the apartment hadn’t come with blinds. I felt sick
all of a sudden, my stomach convulsed and I jumped up and rushed to the
bathroom just barely making it before pouring out my insides. Gross.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s not that time, what the hell is this?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You know how you know, but you don’t want to know, so you
act like you don’t know? I soooo did not want to know. But on the other hand,
this needed to be taken care of stat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d get myself together and go to Ikea for some curtains and
CVS for a pregnancy test. When I returned, I’d be looking up a nice, clean,
quiet clinic in the yellow pages.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted on
February 28, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-90700569388945764822012-08-06T12:23:00.001-07:002012-08-07T12:52:58.868-07:009. Calling it Quits, Kind of<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6h3fI_TF9zls88I-cZSh-r_kkNDloF5u4KmYWUJw5oC-oY52S7Ygiv1Twgg3tovsj4GnBUOCspDszNqnqWuRCy9NSFoBfSrmLd67DlRocQN21YX-TViFEF1yEsEMAW1irbk6zFhvf0II7/s1600/Calling+It+Quits.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6h3fI_TF9zls88I-cZSh-r_kkNDloF5u4KmYWUJw5oC-oY52S7Ygiv1Twgg3tovsj4GnBUOCspDszNqnqWuRCy9NSFoBfSrmLd67DlRocQN21YX-TViFEF1yEsEMAW1irbk6zFhvf0II7/s400/Calling+It+Quits.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">F</span></b>or all the passion he’d shown me the day I came in from<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Digital’s</span></strong>,<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>didn’t really have it
for me like that. He never had. I think he just wanted the end of our
relationship to be on his terms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And so he ended it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I was thinking we should give each other some space,” he began out of no where.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was sitting on the floor, back against the futon sorting
through credit card bills. I’d collected all the mail that had piled up in my
neglected mailbox at my place and decided this was as good a time as any to
take care of some long overdue business.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD decided it was as good a time as any to tell me about<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Tykesha</span></strong>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He’d never been the most tactful, but I gotta give it to him
for honesty. He was brutal. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I stopped what I was doing and looked up at him, giving him
my full attention.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I mean,” he
diverted his eyes, “It’s
not like things have been going so well with us. And even you said from the
beginning we are from two different worlds. It could never really work out.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">he said. Love how he
flipped that. Good stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“If we are ever gonna meet the person that we are truly
compatible with we can’t do it as long as we’re holding on to this,” he went on. "I mean, don't you want that for us?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Where was all this good sense when I was apologizing for the
moon being so far up in the sky and the world being round?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I take it you’ve met that person,” I
said even toned. I will not lose myself to emotion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I met someone ...” he
responded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She was in one of his grad classes. She was a high school
teacher, too, like he was. She was what my girlfriends and I call a “natural
chick.” A strict vegan, she ate all organic, all
the time and </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I guess didn</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">’</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">t need to be subjected to BD</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">’</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">s dinner time recitations on food and nutrition. Great. And
apparently she already knew who</span><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Stokely
Carmichael</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">was.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Sidebar: How the hell that comes up in a regular person’s
casual conversation, I have no idea but upon meeting BD, I’d never heard of
Stokely Carmichael. BD, ever ready to improve the knowledge of his failing
students quickly schooled me on the black activist even loaning me his
autobiography, a history lesson I was actually grateful for, if not for his
condescending tone.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not only that, this Tykesha seems to “understand the
struggle.” And that’s
not my paraphrasing, BD actually said that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I mean, she understands me, she understands what I go
through as a Black man, she gets the struggle.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wow. As if the tracks I’d worn in my hair had weighted down
my brain and kept me from grasping this concept. I was quiet. I wasn’t going to
speak. I would not let my emotions overtake me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BD once told me a white chick couldn’t service him on her
knees. I’ma spare yall the exact words. We were talking about old experiences -- Why? Never, never, never do that. Don’t do it -- And I was telling him about
this white boyfriend I had in high school. Why is that a standard question with
brothers, “ever been with a white boy?” I dunno.
Anyway, so yeah, I had. I mean the convo had been light, silly even. We’re
reminiscing about shyt from before we even knew each other existed, but the
white boy comment sent him into a rage. Anyway, I say that to say, apparently I
was not so pale that he couldn’t be with me, but clearly not black enough for
him to<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">be</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>with me. F*ck is that?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I proudly did not protest. I quietly stacked the envelopes I’d
been ripping through and began criss crossing the room efficiently, pooling my
stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m sorry, Melyssa,” he
said almost genuinely. Perhaps he was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It’s okay.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It’s not like we don’t enjoy each other’s company,” he continued. “I’d still like to be friends ... but we know this isn’t really going anywhere.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeah, I’d known that, I guess. But funny how he wasn’t gonna
let me go anywhere till he’d sealed the deal elsewhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I threw my stuff into a little shopping bag and grabbed my
purse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I guess the bitch had a car too because BD definitely had to
work in the morning and this is not the move you make when you need a ride to
work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Wait, don’t leave like this.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I guess he expected a heated exchange to ensue, some passionate
plea.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It’s okay BD, I’m not mad. I get it. You’re right.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I did get it. But I was livid.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am not the china throwing, clothes ripping chick. If I had
been, I would have. Also though, the irony here was kinda obvious. I wasn’t
about to set myself up for him to tell me I brought this shyt on myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And though I’d worn my stone face like a champ, I was
embarrassed. I was jealous. I felt betrayed and a bit confused.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is he seriously trading up?<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><em><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Seriously?</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>I am so f*ckin outta
here. And he better not call me. Ever. I won’t talk to him. I won’t see him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We hugged in the doorway and he told me not to be a
stranger.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">F*ck him. There is nothing in the world that will bring me
back here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Except a little blue plus sign.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Posted on February
27, 2008 9:30 AM</span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-754935100316779404.post-83915843750003894912012-08-06T12:09:00.001-07:002012-08-07T12:54:24.042-07:008. Waiting for the Phone to -- Is that Me? Oh -- Ring<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGw36jI9jQo_WwA0XVZW7Siq2doLk0DkSS3CWtveNuO_bW-kBGCvpjO1GYm9GlcnADlLaxQG51VbWZ7C5-W0QVyCDj994Co5A1fwmCPK_-VhJo_sMlTRVg25AR6Gz7ap0lIuYhXj2s4D0v/s1600/chapter+8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGw36jI9jQo_WwA0XVZW7Siq2doLk0DkSS3CWtveNuO_bW-kBGCvpjO1GYm9GlcnADlLaxQG51VbWZ7C5-W0QVyCDj994Co5A1fwmCPK_-VhJo_sMlTRVg25AR6Gz7ap0lIuYhXj2s4D0v/s320/chapter+8.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">T</span></b>hough he claimed to have forgiven me, and I believe he
really tried, what I’d done sped up an unraveling of our relationship that had
begun slowly weeks before. It would only live out its course over a few more
weeks.<br />
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But during that awkward time, I tried to redeem myself. Subjecting myself to
all manner of little errands, requests and the answering of the occasional “just-to-remind-you-you-aint-shyt-and-if-I’m-mad-it’s-your-fault
questions like, “Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy it better than with me?” Or, “Is it something I did? Did I make
you want to be with him again?” Cloaked in
what seemed to be genuine empathy provoking insecurity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d learn later those little scenarios were no more than
expertly executed manipulation. Racked with my own guilt, I had no idea that<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">BD</span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span>had also kindled a flame
of his own on the side. (More on that tomorrow).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But slowing down a bit to the day after I dragged myself,
back to BD’s apartment unaware of whether he would allow me to stay or make me
go, I couldn’t get all the things he’d said to me out of my mind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d looked at my recent situation with BD to be the
temporary one, not my year’s long relationship with<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><strong><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Digital</span></strong>.
But BD had struck a chord that night and I found myself checking and rechecking
my call log. I think I even pulled the battery out of my phone once, quickly
replacing it of course, for fear that the next incoming call would go straight
to voicemail.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next call wasn’t for an hour later and it wasn’t Digital.
A day passed and it was going on 48 hours later.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Aren’t there rules about this? You’re supposed to call the
next day right? You have to call the next day. I was stressing like this was
new. Stressing, like a woman feels after sleeping with a man she likes and who
she knows likes her, but the day after she’s not sure if he still likes he as
much, as if perhaps by giving herself to him, she’d stunted the possibility of
furthering his interest. But we past that stage like a half decade ago. Why do
I find the silence so worrisome now?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The phone rang. Unavailable. Yes! I picked up expectantly --<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hey girl,” -- and
wanted to hang up just as quickly. It was one of my best girlfriends (not BD’s old love interest) but Ayana. Also, absolutely not the
person I wanted to speak to, especially now. This is my friend who will tell me
about myself with little sensitivity for how I might take it or what I might
not want to hear. She’d told me months ago that this BD shyt stunk and every
subsequent conversation thereafter regardless of what topics we covered
included a breezy, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“So, you still in that mess? That’s just some mess.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Couldn’t take it right now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hey,” I said flatly. “Can’t talk. I’m
walking to the train.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The wind whipped through the phone and I used the noise as
the perfect exit, hitting call end and sliding it back into my pocket.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><br />
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I made eggplant parmigiana for dinner, enough like meat for me to get through
it and vegetarian enough to meet BD’s standards. I’d been working especially
hard as of late to meet BD’s ever-rising standards. I chalked it up to penance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My phone rang on the kitchen table. Blocked caller. BD
looked up from his plate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don’t think I even realized how important it was that
Digital get in touch with me until I felt my heart leap at the first ring. Get
it together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hello,” I said
coolly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Dyou know what this bitch did? You are not gonna believe
what this bitch did “¦”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My sister began ranting about some co-worker’s plan for her
demise. Somebody was always out to get her. Jealous, she said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m eating, I’ll call you back.”
Click.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ever get mad at somebody for not being somebody else? That’s
effed up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The call did come around 10 p.m. that night. BD was in the
shower. Unwilling to set myself up again, I didn’t even look at the ID and answered
drowsily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hello.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Hey, what’s up?” It was
Digital. I was so unprepared. Not that I’d
ever needed to prepare. We’d been like
water. BD had really gotten into my head.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We chatted for a few minutes about how he loved the south
and was thinking about buying a house in Atlanta.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Nowadays, if you wanna do anything in music, you gotta go
through the A,” he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That’s the same reason he’d packed up his things in our
small apartment five years earlier and headed for New York.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He’d tell me sometimes late at night, “This music thing is
in me. It’s in my blood. This is what I gotta do.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He played the piano, guitar and drums by ear. His father,
who he’d never known, had been a musician. His talent and his unbelievable
tenacity made for an extraordinary businessman whose success was a mere matter
of time. Those same characteristics though, made him a terrible mate and
relegated our relationship to a romanticized friendship at best and me, a lady
in hopeless waiting at worst.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But our connection was undeniable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I said good night to Digital and wished him safe travel -- I
had no idea where he was headed after his studio time in Atlanta -- snapped my
phone closed and reached over to put it back on the night stand just as BD
walked out of the bathroom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Who was that, Digital?” He
asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Yeah.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh, he made his obligatory phone call, huh?” BD quipped, toweling off his hair. “Right
on time.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The sarcasm was lost on me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Actually, it had been. I fell right asleep.<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Originally posted February 26, 2008 </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05727645024404567385noreply@blogger.com0